tagged!!

haha, yes, i've been tagged by my dear friend. woohoo! finally getting to doing something productive =P . ( minus the minutes that i've postponed for like 2-3 weeks..hmm..that's another story for another time. ) in the meanwhile, i shall immerse myself in nostalgia. mmm..the sweet fragrance of childhood. lolz. getting crazy, i am.

lemme see, 5 things that i miss about my childhood...

* ps. by the way, what defines childhood? i feel like such a kid sometimes. ( yes, even though i constantly whine about being old. )

anywayz, shall get started, lest we get all philosophical ( or when i start revealing what i don't know instead of what i think i do.) what am i saying.

1. missed being moved up to the next standard in school in whole classes. ( ie. the same class moves with you in primary one and two etc) making friends wasn't that much of an issue then. everyone knew each other, and there was no hassle of making friends all over again every year. ( or for that matter, every semester- which is about 3 months long). friendships made lasted much longer and were ' stronger' in a sense. i mean, how many of us can honestly say that we've made a totally 'best friend' and close one in uni? it's not impossible i guess, but nevertheless, the experiences shared with friends in our 'days of yore' were definitely different from what they are of today in an academic institution.while we were young, we bonded over recess breaks, playing hopscotch, exchanging stickers- ah, the simple pleasures. today, almost a decade later, bonding through a common phase of academic suffering seems to be the only reason that brings people together. ( or at least initially). perhaps i'm just lazy and highly antisocial, but oh well. feel that the simple things which formed friendships while we were kids are just things that will never returm. i mean, we can't forgo all our experiences that we've gone through all these years, cause they've made us who we are. yet, the innocence, sadly, can never be brought back. sigh, a double-edged thing aging is. haha.

2. missed the " very good" or " excellent" remarks made by teachers in school; and the little nuggets of wisdom and encouragement when they would make us write journals.
somehow lecturers tend to forget that everyone craves a little 'praise'. haa. ok, i mean , i would be happy to get an 'A' for something, who wouldn't? maybe it's the extra effort made to actually write stuff on your paper. sometimes one gets marked scripts back with a few ticks and finally, a grade or a score. sometimes its nice to know that your teacher cares for you ( or at least appears to) hm..i realize i am sounding like a person with a hopelessly low level of self esteem. opps.
oh yea. the journals. really missed being able to just voice out my thoughts and get replies from someone in writing. thought it was pretty cool. still think it is. anyone wants to comment? haa

3. missed being ignorant about stuff around me and getting away with it. says alot of how much i actually know yar? =P must I really know more as i age? it gets depressing. haa.

4. miss my music teacher i had till sec 3. she's the only one who made music enjoyable; one who was extra patient. miss playing all those classical pieces too. fingers getting fat and stiff now. sigh.

5. sorta miss the wind blowing in my face while taking the SBS buses. most of them were non-conditioned then. ( not that i don't appreciate cool air =P) but , you know.
this is another point actually , but quite a major one i think. I miss not having to bother about what i'm wearing before i go out. just grab the t-shirt and shorts on the top of my folded stack of clothes and sling a bag over my shoulders, and i'm done! ( regardless of wherever i would be gg). who cared about looking o-biang with shorts and long socks or anything like that? we were kids. oh yea. no money woes too! haa.

Most of all, missed the big and cheesy smile i used to make in front of the camera. don't think i can do that now. thought i looked pretty cute. ahem. haaa. just kidding.

yupz, that's all. think i've written like a gazillion stuff in there! but no worries, the next 2 i tag can just stick to 5! =)

The rules: remove the #1 item from the following list, bump everyone up one place and add your blog's name to the #5 slot, like this:

we're all mascochists
everyone worship princess ange
party up
delarium
His love changes me

Then pass the meme on to.. karen and mandy! =)

Who am I

Who am I that the Lord of all the earth
Should care to know my name
Should care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning star,
Should choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

*I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Should look on me with love
And watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calms the sea
Should call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

It's not about me. It's all about You, Lord.

a lesson on love

Before i start,a great song which milton recommended me to.really nice!! it's called " indescripable" The chorus just reminds me His sovereignty once again. was really touched when i heard it.

You're indescripable, uncontainable

You who put the stars in their place

And called them out by name

And I stand in awe of You.

yea, anyway, had a lesson on love today. " Choosing the right partner" haa. yea. was pretty interesting to hear joe share his experiences of his "love life" i o n s ago. =P have been thinking about this issue for a while now as well, so i felt that this was a good time to have a ' refresher' course about BGR. Yupz, even at my age. =x

just brought back memories of the past; and was reminded of the categories i placed my " dream guy" into back in secondary school. remember that Miss Lim asked us to list a set of qualities that we would want in our bf/gf in the future during civics and moral education. it seems pretty funny now come to think of it- cause everytime when people would ask me to do that , the qualities i chose would always be that of "the one" that i had a crush on at that point of time. ( even though i would desperately attempt to be as objective as possible, and would bashfully deny any claims of having a crush). ah, the good old days. simple, sweet,innocent fun.

anyway, just for the record ( for posterity's sake) i'll just list down the things i wrote ( as accurately as possible ) ..

1. must be intellectual

2. can make me laugh

3. gentlemently

4. must be taller than me ( if not, same height also can)

5. must be older than me ( by days also can)

physical features

*** nice eyes!!!

it's really quite humourous, don't you think?

Today, almost 6 years later, most of the qualities that i was looking for are probably still going to stay, but i can say most certainly that these three; must be more spiritually mature than me 2. we must share the same passions/ interests ( at least in some way) 3. family oriented are definitely going to be added to my list and placed in the top 3 positions!! haa.

Took me a while to get no 1 right though. bleargh. really.

Think the most important reminder that I've gotten from this session today was to place God first place in my life; whiter in my relationships, my work- even the seemingly mundane things. Yupz.

Hmm... still waiting for " the one" who will sweep me off my feet. someone who can bring a smile to my face. i think i might be ready. am I? haa.

L O V E

never knew

never knew you felt that way. it was never quite our intention to make you feel the way you did. if anything, i wish i could wash the slate clean and start over;but i guess some things will never be the same again. if an apology; words taken back; feelings , judgements more restrained, whould it have been different? What can/could have been done ? perhaps you can tell me. cause i'm at my wits end and desperately wish i knew.

but i don't.

and it's driving me to the point of disillusionment.

don't want to go there.

cause i know we can do it through His grace.

Back to You

“We Christians must simplify our lives or lose untold treasures on earth and in eternity. Modern civilization is so complex as to make the devotional life all but impossible. The need for solitude and quietness was never greater than it is today.”
— A. W. Tozer

So true. Have been dying for a break after 3 camps and 1 looong conference. Finally, there was time for me today to take a breather and talk to Him. Been a while since i really sat down and poured out my heart to Him. Been caught up in the hustle of " modern civilization". Hustling and moving along with the crowd. Worshipping, listening to sermons, corporate prayer, games, conversations-all well and good; but after a while i just felt really drained. felt restless. felt spiritually dry.

Was thankful for sunday's sermon and time of praise and worship. Felt the Lord's call for me to surrender loud and strong through pastor kow. The Holy Communion couldn't be at a better time as well. A time of renewal of my commitments to Him. God was there. Felt really comforted as He assured me that His plans would always be for the best for me even though i'm thoroughly confused about different matters at the moment and lost as to what cause of action i should take; or whether i should do anything about them at all.

Today marks a fresh commitment to Him. I admit, I haven't exactly gotten things sorted out yet completely; but knowing that He's there just overrides all and makes it all better i guess. =)
Don't laugh..but i actually paralleled my mopping of the floor to the gradual cleansing of my heart with the Lord's help. Go you stubborn stain; yea..clean all of it up. Haha..ok..doesn't exactly sound right; but you get the idea. =P

Looking forward to another time devoted to You, You alone. No one else knows me like You do.

Unto You,

Be all glory and praise

How my heart seeks Your face,

As I'm waiting on You

Only You,

Are my strength and my tower,

Fill my life with Your power,

As I stand here in awe of You.

I stand here in awe of You.

THE ALTAR

THE ALTAR

A broken A L T A R, Lord, thy servant rears,
Made of a heart, and cemented with tears:
Whose parts are as thy hand did frame;
No workman’s tools hath touched the same.
A H E A R T alone
Is such a stone,
As nothing but
Thy pow’r doth cut.
Wherefore each part
Of my hard heart
Meets in this frame,
To praise thy name.
That, if I chance to hold my peace,
These stones to praise thee may not cease.
O let thy blessed S A C R I F I C E be mine,
And sanctify this A L T A R to be thine.

- George Herbert, priest and poet, 1633.

surrender

have you had the experience of talking to someone who appears to be listening to you but glancing distractedly at the things around? have you ever felt distanced whist walking along with your best friends? have you ever had the feeling that someone was witholding their dearest thoughts and feelings from you despite them telling you it was the 'whole truth'? I have.

And I think God must have been feeling this way about me these past few days.

Distracted. Disinterested. Delsusional. Depressed.

Pretty much describes me for the past two to three days.

Been feeling completely out of focus during worship at the conference. I wish I could say it was solely a result of my tiredness ( have had 13 hour days at the conference .bleargh) but i know there's much more to that.

The Lord knew my heart and showed just that when a friend from vcf prayed that i would surrender all to Him. the thing was; I hardly knew that girl. It really struck me for the rest of the day yesterday. Before I went to bed, I recalled how the Lord had used this method of telling me to surrender to Him as well in JC, when my cell group mate would just be prompted to pray for me on that similar issue.

Been thinking. Think i have an inkling of what's on my mind. what's keeping me from Him-but i'm afriad of what it may be. Thought i had gotten over that whole saga. Really don't want to go there again.

I'm afraid. yes, I think I'm afraid of surrendering to Him. I'm afraid of digging and rumaging the old baggages i thought i had left behind. I'm afraid to having to do things I've never done before. Afraid and Unsure, I am.

Happened to read through my notebook and stumbled upon one of my sporadically written entries in it last year. scribbled these few lines in it- thing i was trying to compose a song/poem off hand. spoke volumes of how i was feeling that day. think i'm reliving it today, almost a year later. funny how man keeps slipping away from God despite having the knowledge and understanding of His love and sovereignty.

O Lord, hear me now

Hear my cries

Be beside me

To cleanse me from within.

O Lord, hear me now

Be with me

Wash away my sin

You are my closest kin.

Surrender

That's what I wanna do

To be complete in You,

You alone.

Lord send revival, Start with me.

For I am born of unclean lips

For my eyes have seen the King,

Your glory I have glimpsed.

Send revival, Start with me.

Goforth + reuben Morgan concert..afterthoughts

learnt so much today; can't think of where to start cause God just opened my eyes to His purposes; his work and most importantly, to His glory so abundantly. the day started with the goforth missions conference- and honestly, went there feeling a bit weary, dry spritually; unsure of what was going to be preached about missions. missions- i used to think i knew all about missions- what else? to spread God's word to the unreached lar + going to some part of the globe where few people have ventured + needs lots of commitment etc.

was just going on with the motion of taking notes till I heard something which I knew about missions, but had forgotten for a long time-- Missions is not about whether i want to serve Him, but rather it is a COMMISSION from Him. Missions is not about whether I can handle the potential challenges and persecution i might face in the field, but learning to COMMIT first and then leaving the rest to God's hands and trusting in his sovereignty. Missions is NOT ABOUT ME, but about HIM. a story about a Chinese woman who was intially skeptical about mission work in China, but in the end left her province immediately after prayer for the field of missions cause she felt God's calling so strongly struck me. Am i ready to give up everything to do God's work? Right here right now if He were to call me to accomplish his mission?

Felt God telling me throughout worship today to give up all my desires to Him. to just leave the 'water jar' at the well, to leave my burdens at his feet, to worship Him alone and not the distractions in my life. Can I? I need strength from you Lord.

The prayer session further showed me how fortunate i am to be able to worship Him so freely without persecution right here at home. As we prayed for the Mien, Lunis, Shan, Pulaungic people, was touched by how God was working in the countries and people despite the physical and spiritual barriers and strongholds.
Sometimes we tend to take our time spent wth God in Singapore for granted, myself included. We comment about how things are not turning the way we hope they are in church; worship, lack of membership etc. yet when u see the passion that those people have for God in the midst of persecution, one is able to simply appreciate and be contented with what we already possess- a sizable Christian community, no restriction of no of churches, bibles printed and sold freely, sound and strong leadership, little or no language barriers. so much to be thankful for-yet in this age of globalization and modernization, we tend to forget there are others out there not as fortunate as we are; and who are suffering for His glory. Are we getting too comfortable? It has been said that persecution creates purity in the church- perhaps we should experience some of that. haa. i wouldn't want to .but i pray that there will be revival in not only our local churches but also that of the region.

aniwaez, worship with reuben morgan was great! it was rare that the church actually invited a 'big shot' in a way like him to lead the church in a time of worship. was glad amy was touched by the Holy Spirit during worship. Praise God! was just reminded of His love for me throughout worship- and to give myself unreservedly to Him and His will. To be obedient so that He may grant me greater things. Not too sure what I want right now and what is hindering me from submitting my all to Him at this point of time.

Lord refresh my heart. Help me to know what your will is for me. I want to live for you alone. For your Glory.

Into your hand, I commit again.

All I am, for You, Lord.

You hold my world, in the palm of your hand.

And I am Yours forever, Jesus.

Jesus, I believe in You

Jesus, I belong to You.

You're the reason that I live,

The reason that I sing,

With all I am.

ramblings in the afternoon...

gg for the goforth missions conference session by Dr Robert Solomon tonight. missions has never been the foremost pirority in my ministry so far..hopefully i'll be able to gain some insights into missions at the session later-will definitely help me in ifg committee starting next sem.

sighz. stuck between feeling drained and being bored over having nothing to do.

irony.

can't wait for the reuben morgan concert tomorrow though. =) i'm sure it'll be rejunivating.

He knows..

went to music min retreat feeling a bit apprehensive the whole idea of fellowshiping and spending time together with the rest in the ministry. honestly, though i've been in the ministry for quite a while now, i guess i never really felt part of the 'team'; or minstry in that sense. as i reflected, i wonder if i would have done anything differently-maybe i should have 'been there' more with the rest of the band when they wanted to have dinners and stuff; maybe i should have just laughed along. i'm not sure, and honestly, i don't even know and can't be sure even today that if i had been just a little more pro-active in speaking to them things might have turned out differently. But i guess perhaps it doesn't really matter anymore. the need to feel accepted. the desire to feel loved. the moments of loneliness. alienated. alone. being some sort of an outcast.

When no one else seemed to have understood , He did.

I guess God had been preparing my heart to fill me with His presence since the beginning of the camp-only that I was too preoccupied with my own feelings, my thoughts-simply, myself , to actually notice it. Throughout the camp i was cooped up with feelings of self-pity, " Why can't I fit in? Why am I not able to join with their conversations? Why do i feel so out of place; so awkward?" Seems pathetic i know, but seriously, I think that was my main distraction for most part of the first day- and even for the first part of today. Didn't really voice out much during discussion, felt that whatever I was going to contribute wouldn't even matter to the rest anyway. Strove to answer as little as possible. Gave politically correct answers. Ha. Felt that I simply wasn't on that level of intimacy with the rest of the ministry to have been able to share openly like i would to , for instance, peche, or my closest friends. At the same time, feelings of indequacy seeped in subconciously as well. Sometimes out of the blue i would be wishing i could sing or play like 'so and so' , at other times i just felt like an airhead. seriously.

Those feelings of inadequacy, alienation and loneliness just culminated during the morning run. We were all running. I really couldn't keep up the pace. Voices behind me. speaking as if i wasn't really listening. can we speed up. we're getting really tired running so slowly. I tried to catch up- but it seemed endless. I didn't want to slow the team down. I wanted to scream," go ahead and take over me, I'm fine with it. let me be". The more i ran, the worse i felt. Near the end, the rest of the group sprinted towards the finishing line.i didn't . i jogged on the best i could. At that point i felt alone-even if it was only for a little while cause 2 of them came back for me and spurred me on to finish. Despite the kind intentions of the two, and even after the aim of the synchronized run was explained, I felt terrible.

couldn't understand why i was being so ungrateful. so unfeeling to the encouragement by the rest of the team. Perhaps during the run, burried feelings just surfaced. couldn't really share during the debrief. again, gave a supposedly 'nice' answer. well, i did honestly appreciate the encouragement to a certain extent, but part of me was just plain distracted. that feeling of inadequacy and alieness continued up till our final worship. prior to that i was just speaking to karen that perhaps i should just leave the ministry. i spoke of us being 'old' and not being able to adapt to the 'culture' of the younger ones. right. what was i saying? I knew there was more to it.

during worship, just felt God impressing upon me to let Him be in control in the words , " Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me". wanted so much at that moment to pour all to him. started to pray that He would change my heart and renew my passion of the ministry-not by my actions, but by His will . Not for acceptance, but to seek His face in the process of serving Him. Change me, Lord. Have your way in me. i kept repeating those words over.

caleb started a session of prayer. started thanking God for the fellowship. it's real funny but i started off praying something like " Lord, thank you the rest have bonded . and lord, if i am to leave , then i will". started to feel alone again. away from the main team; physically and emotionally. started tearing- out of sadness that i probably wouldn't be part of a ministry i had loved so much.not fitting in. But He changed that.

Minghui started reading psalm 139-my favourite psalm. I broke down. * note-flo doesn't usually break down/or tries not to during prayer/worship etc..haa =P. yea. just felt His presence surrounding me. When i felt alone, He reminded me of His love, his omnipresence. When i thought i was in control of the situation, he reminded me of His sovereignty and His greatness. I was overwhelmed. He taught me so much today about service.

He doesn't need my service. Am i serving Him or man? What was my purpose in serving? Why did i try to 'win' his love when it was already so freely and abundantly given? Why didn't I place my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in His hands before in this ministry?

Brought back quite a lot from the retreat-even though it was a mere 2 days. Got back a lot more than what i bargained for. Opened up my eyes ;my perspective of things. Cleared up what was bugging me these past few weeks. I'm thankful that He spoke to me today. Really am.

I'll never be the same again.

There must be more than this

Oh breath of God, come breathe within

There must be more than this

Spirit of God we wait for you

Fill us anew we pray

Fill us anew we pray

Consuming fire, fan into flame

A passion for your name

Spirit of God, fall in this place

Lord have your way

Lord have your way with us

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

Psalm 139: 7-10