random thoughts

realised i've been watching too many romantic/ wedding flicks lately ( oh well..only 2, but too many for a week i reckon ) , been making me hu si luan xiang. 2 similarities in the films about the male leads- they're ultra romantic!! u know, the kind where both the male and female leads engage in a flirty cum intellectual banter, it's sweet. kinda wish there was someone like that for me as well. oh well, what am i thinking? =x haa. similarity no 2. both shows involve the guy being mistaken by the female lead as the groom to someone else. pretty funny. similarity no 3. obviously, the leads get together in the end after dramatic periods of falling in and out of love with one another.

right.

the movies must be getting into me. watched "A lot like love" 2 days ago and a film on cable entitled" I do ( but I don't)" today. think romantic flicks don't do me much good. most of the time they'll just spark off some memory that i've hidden carefully in the corners of my mind and 'unleashes' a whole chain of thoughts and emotions that i don't want to trend on any longer; even the sense of 'hope' isn't really helpful. should stop watching them. haa. but then again, i am a tru blue romantic and i guess " I still believe in true love" ( haa~ another cliche ..from the 2nd movie)

been feeling rather stressed lately. think it's the formulating of the timetable for next year and pre-school jitters. + lots of things on hand ..so many things i wanna do / have to do. i want to meet friends whom i've haven't met since sec school, wanna go on a trip etc. yet so many other commitments. and then there's the nagging about balancing church and school . it's a pre-semester and near-end semester syndrome. may be going a bit bonkers. friends, please do bear with me if i go a bit nuts .haa. nearly dropped usp. sigh. long story. anyway, think i'm gg to give it another go. Have to leave it in His hands.

spiritually low again. not sure what's up with myself. been rather distracted-quiet times aren't as fufilling. need to do some re-evaluation . realized too that i've been so caught up with other things that i've failed to find a direction ; or even a purpose ; a goal i wanna achieve this hols and the next academic year. want to be close to Him again. but first, I must let Him have contol. I know, but it's kinda hard. right now, i feel like my head's stuffed with lots of cotton wool.

feel that at times i lose myself in all that business. wonder if i've ever found myself in the first place. pastor B spoke about pple being more private , esp now in this era. i wonder if i'm one of them =x. there's such a fine line between being too private and having one's own time to find himself/herself i feel. how does one determine if he/she's not using the latter to say as an excuse for not wanting to be more involved in the lives of others? do i do that? is anti-social- ness something i really am or is it just an excuse for being lazy?

lots of thinking and reflecting to do before school and stress kicks in again. till then, i have a report to do, layouts to design, minutes to type and surveys to complete.

hope i find myself and Him soon in the midst of all the business. don't wanna fall into the myraid of depression again. hate the blues.

come sunshine! =)

Your Love

I can't believe the way Your love has got a hold on me

Each morning I wake to find You near

You lift me above my fears and set my feet on solid ground

All of my days belong to You

And I breathe in Your breath of life that fills my heart

You are my all consuming fire

And I stand here before You, in wide-open wonderAmazed, at the glory of You

The power of heaven revealing Your purpose in me

As I'm reaching for You

VCF FOC 2005!

back from vcf camp! glad i was there though i was pang-seh-ed by my friend the day before the camp.=P went there with the motive of meeting new freshies ( and partly to make the rest of my hols a tad more meaningful ) but learnt so much more from Him. was truely by His grace that led me to the camp. to be honest, i didn't feel much for most part of the camp-felt i was simply going through the motions, being 'rahrah' for a while with the freshies but being really sian after that. didn't learn anything till the last day of camp during one of the theme talks by pastor malcom tan in 2 corinthians chapter 6-7:1 .

think what struck me most was probably the part where he beckoned all who were at the camp not to tarry in whatever the Holy spirit prompted us to do; not to put off doing things to another day lest our hearts became hardened. " As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain. For he says, " IN the time of my favour I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you. " I tell you, now is the time of God's favour, now is the day of salvation."(verses 1 and 2) it spoke to me because i felt i was stagnating in my service for Him; sometimes i procrastinate and just push my reponsibilities away simply because I didn't feel like coming out of my comfort zone to meet new people; not feeling like doing something cause i thought it would drain me; not even attempting to do my best for him because i would be so absorbed in my own little world -feelings of self pity ; inadequacy.

Not exactly sure what He wants me to do for Him right now, will probably pray about it more. But for now , i guess i will continue to serve Him in whatever ways i can.
Guess this lesson tugged at my heart also because of the recent bombings at London. first heard the news in camp, and it really made me think about how pressing spreading His word is-life is so fragile- would i leave this earth regretting that i didn't share the gospel to my closest friends simply because i was lazy ? because of my selfishness?

God also spoke to me on another matter in the camp through devotional sharing on the last day in Corinthians 6:11-13 " We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange,- I speak as to my children-open wide your hearts also". Had been feeling spiritually dry the past days, and this verse spoke to me. made me reflect on how i have been so engrossed in what i was feeling by keeping it to myself. was encouraged by the sharing the previous night - where ming hui shared about how one can be surrounded by groups of people yet still feel alone. feel the same way sometimes as well, and this passage encourages me to open my heart to Him and to let Him take control. it's so easy to forget that we're not alone - that He's there.

so much more to share- but guess i'll just share the theme song for the camp which touched my heart. speaks volumes. Thank God for music and poetry!! =)

How can I stand before You Lord
When I am a sinner,
In need of your mercy
In need of your saving grace?
Draw me nearer to You,
In the warmth of Your embrace
Surrounded by your abounding love
I will be one with You again

Under the banner of Your love I'll stand
And I'm so humbled and amazed
That for me You sent your son to die
So now I'm saved just by Your grace
As Your amazing love compels my heart
Jesus this is what I pray
May I die to self, and live for You
Who died and rose again.

Now I can stand before Your Lord,
Though I am a sinner
You poured out your mercy
You poured out your saving grace
Now I can be near You
Feel the warmth of your embrace
Surrounded by Your abounding love
I am at one with You again

a food for thought on faith...

"Faith is living a well-founded confidence in the grace of God, so perfectly certain that it will die a thousand times rather than surrender its conviction." - Martin Luther

quotes like these really challenge my faith in Him, especially in low times. I pray that I may be able to have that kind of faith regardless of the situations that i am /will be in. Praise the Lord for all He's done and for who He is! =)

Still

today, i went out cause no one was in.

nevermind about what you just read. it's absurd. personal paradox.haa.

was planning to go for corporate prayer meeting today; in the end i didn't. ended up walking aimlessly around city hall and suntec. you know how when people remark about others like, " That girl/guy, she's in her own little world. Dunno what she's/he's thinking" ? i finally know what it feels like to be that person. caught up in my 'little world' while 'roaming' the so called 'world' out there. was literally dragging my feet along the aisles , walking so slowly that i think the people behind me were getting pretty frustrated. didn't really care anyway, just swantered around like i was the only one there; moved in and out of shops; boutiques. pretending i was shopping. pretending i was having fun. pretending i was fine.

was just somehow caught up with a lot of stuff which sort of culminated and seeped through today. didn't help that no one was available to go for the meeting today. yesh, i am anti-social. sigh. was hoping for some emotional support cause i was not feeling too right with God today. but nevermind. glad it's all better now. =)

perhaps what got me into that terrible mood was my friend commenting on how some of her friends have changed. she remarked that it was a pity that some friends whom she was very close to in secondary school are sort of 'gone' now. no more catching up about each other's lives, no longer the emotional closeness and bond they once shared. she then mentioned another friend, and wondered if her friend remembered the past major quarrel in secondary school and if the person had held that grudge, and therefore lost contact.

while she was talking, i thought about the friendships i had forged in secondary school, jc and even till this point of time. what she said was all too familiar. i remember the time in primary school when i would have new ' best friends' every year and then i got so disillusioned with the idea of 'best friends' that i never felt at ease with terming a close friend that any longer. cause when someone was my 'best friend' , i became selfish, demanding. i would want my friend to be always with me ; and when she couldn't , i would feel alone and hurt. the worst thing was, i would take my friend for granted. and when i felt closer to another friend at another point of time, i would have another' best friend'. kind of defeats the purpose of the term " best" .

in secondary school, things changed. think i closed up a lot. ironic when most people open up to new stuff. unfamiliar faces. but i did make a few great friends, who are still great friends of mine today. thank God for them! unfortunately, never did escape the vicious cycle of losing some friends and finding new ones.

if i had a choice, i would want to keep all the friendships i made. but i can't. cause people change, myself included. i've gone through many periods when i would just question myself and asking what was wrong with me that caused my friendships to fade off. feel frustrated for not having answers yet not having the courage to just pick up the phone to talk to an old friend.

that said and done, i profess that i am still struggling with it- which explains much of my melancholy for most part of today. cause when you've experienced a certain bond and closeness with a friend, and yet lose that promixity in friendship in a flash of perhaps only 1, 2 months or even only a few weeks , it hurts. cause you know that something is different ,though u can't quite put your finger on it. it makes you question what happened. makes you trace back and experience a rollercoaster of emotions.

i can't let it go , not totally at least. how can one let go of a friendship that easily? or perhaps it was an expectation that wasn't met that made me upset. what??

i couldn't figure it out. felt really drained in a way. felt tired from the excuses for the things i do sometimes. the procrastination, the tiredness, the lack of time.

been stressed over stuff for ifg . i'm a terrible secretary. = (

holidays are ending. still i feel directionless.

Yet, in spite of all my insecurities and questioning, He was there. felt Him reminding me, " Be still for I am God" and immediately everything seemed not that complicated anymore. how many times must i be reminded that it's not about me? How many times must i remind myself that He is the centre of my life; the heart of worship?

Lord, help me.

Teach me, O LORD to follow your decrees;
that I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding, and I will keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
Turn my heart toward your statutes,
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
Take away the disgrace i dread,
for your laws are good.
How I long for your precepts!
Preserve my life in your righteousness.
Psalm 119: 33-40.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar;

I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are king over the flood

I will be still, know you are God.

I will be still, know you are God.