He knows..
went to music min retreat feeling a bit apprehensive the whole idea of fellowshiping and spending time together with the rest in the ministry. honestly, though i've been in the ministry for quite a while now, i guess i never really felt part of the 'team'; or minstry in that sense. as i reflected, i wonder if i would have done anything differently-maybe i should have 'been there' more with the rest of the band when they wanted to have dinners and stuff; maybe i should have just laughed along. i'm not sure, and honestly, i don't even know and can't be sure even today that if i had been just a little more pro-active in speaking to them things might have turned out differently. But i guess perhaps it doesn't really matter anymore. the need to feel accepted. the desire to feel loved. the moments of loneliness. alienated. alone. being some sort of an outcast.
When no one else seemed to have understood , He did.
I guess God had been preparing my heart to fill me with His presence since the beginning of the camp-only that I was too preoccupied with my own feelings, my thoughts-simply, myself , to actually notice it. Throughout the camp i was cooped up with feelings of self-pity, " Why can't I fit in? Why am I not able to join with their conversations? Why do i feel so out of place; so awkward?" Seems pathetic i know, but seriously, I think that was my main distraction for most part of the first day- and even for the first part of today. Didn't really voice out much during discussion, felt that whatever I was going to contribute wouldn't even matter to the rest anyway. Strove to answer as little as possible. Gave politically correct answers. Ha. Felt that I simply wasn't on that level of intimacy with the rest of the ministry to have been able to share openly like i would to , for instance, peche, or my closest friends. At the same time, feelings of indequacy seeped in subconciously as well. Sometimes out of the blue i would be wishing i could sing or play like 'so and so' , at other times i just felt like an airhead. seriously.
Those feelings of inadequacy, alienation and loneliness just culminated during the morning run. We were all running. I really couldn't keep up the pace. Voices behind me. speaking as if i wasn't really listening. can we speed up. we're getting really tired running so slowly. I tried to catch up- but it seemed endless. I didn't want to slow the team down. I wanted to scream," go ahead and take over me, I'm fine with it. let me be". The more i ran, the worse i felt. Near the end, the rest of the group sprinted towards the finishing line.i didn't . i jogged on the best i could. At that point i felt alone-even if it was only for a little while cause 2 of them came back for me and spurred me on to finish. Despite the kind intentions of the two, and even after the aim of the synchronized run was explained, I felt terrible.
couldn't understand why i was being so ungrateful. so unfeeling to the encouragement by the rest of the team. Perhaps during the run, burried feelings just surfaced. couldn't really share during the debrief. again, gave a supposedly 'nice' answer. well, i did honestly appreciate the encouragement to a certain extent, but part of me was just plain distracted. that feeling of inadequacy and alieness continued up till our final worship. prior to that i was just speaking to karen that perhaps i should just leave the ministry. i spoke of us being 'old' and not being able to adapt to the 'culture' of the younger ones. right. what was i saying? I knew there was more to it.
during worship, just felt God impressing upon me to let Him be in control in the words , " Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me". wanted so much at that moment to pour all to him. started to pray that He would change my heart and renew my passion of the ministry-not by my actions, but by His will . Not for acceptance, but to seek His face in the process of serving Him. Change me, Lord. Have your way in me. i kept repeating those words over.
caleb started a session of prayer. started thanking God for the fellowship. it's real funny but i started off praying something like " Lord, thank you the rest have bonded . and lord, if i am to leave , then i will". started to feel alone again. away from the main team; physically and emotionally. started tearing- out of sadness that i probably wouldn't be part of a ministry i had loved so much.not fitting in. But He changed that.
Minghui started reading psalm 139-my favourite psalm. I broke down. * note-flo doesn't usually break down/or tries not to during prayer/worship etc..haa =P. yea. just felt His presence surrounding me. When i felt alone, He reminded me of His love, his omnipresence. When i thought i was in control of the situation, he reminded me of His sovereignty and His greatness. I was overwhelmed. He taught me so much today about service.
He doesn't need my service. Am i serving Him or man? What was my purpose in serving? Why did i try to 'win' his love when it was already so freely and abundantly given? Why didn't I place my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in His hands before in this ministry?
Brought back quite a lot from the retreat-even though it was a mere 2 days. Got back a lot more than what i bargained for. Opened up my eyes ;my perspective of things. Cleared up what was bugging me these past few weeks. I'm thankful that He spoke to me today. Really am.
I'll never be the same again.
When no one else seemed to have understood , He did.
I guess God had been preparing my heart to fill me with His presence since the beginning of the camp-only that I was too preoccupied with my own feelings, my thoughts-simply, myself , to actually notice it. Throughout the camp i was cooped up with feelings of self-pity, " Why can't I fit in? Why am I not able to join with their conversations? Why do i feel so out of place; so awkward?" Seems pathetic i know, but seriously, I think that was my main distraction for most part of the first day- and even for the first part of today. Didn't really voice out much during discussion, felt that whatever I was going to contribute wouldn't even matter to the rest anyway. Strove to answer as little as possible. Gave politically correct answers. Ha. Felt that I simply wasn't on that level of intimacy with the rest of the ministry to have been able to share openly like i would to , for instance, peche, or my closest friends. At the same time, feelings of indequacy seeped in subconciously as well. Sometimes out of the blue i would be wishing i could sing or play like 'so and so' , at other times i just felt like an airhead. seriously.
Those feelings of inadequacy, alienation and loneliness just culminated during the morning run. We were all running. I really couldn't keep up the pace. Voices behind me. speaking as if i wasn't really listening. can we speed up. we're getting really tired running so slowly. I tried to catch up- but it seemed endless. I didn't want to slow the team down. I wanted to scream," go ahead and take over me, I'm fine with it. let me be". The more i ran, the worse i felt. Near the end, the rest of the group sprinted towards the finishing line.i didn't . i jogged on the best i could. At that point i felt alone-even if it was only for a little while cause 2 of them came back for me and spurred me on to finish. Despite the kind intentions of the two, and even after the aim of the synchronized run was explained, I felt terrible.
couldn't understand why i was being so ungrateful. so unfeeling to the encouragement by the rest of the team. Perhaps during the run, burried feelings just surfaced. couldn't really share during the debrief. again, gave a supposedly 'nice' answer. well, i did honestly appreciate the encouragement to a certain extent, but part of me was just plain distracted. that feeling of inadequacy and alieness continued up till our final worship. prior to that i was just speaking to karen that perhaps i should just leave the ministry. i spoke of us being 'old' and not being able to adapt to the 'culture' of the younger ones. right. what was i saying? I knew there was more to it.
during worship, just felt God impressing upon me to let Him be in control in the words , " Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me". wanted so much at that moment to pour all to him. started to pray that He would change my heart and renew my passion of the ministry-not by my actions, but by His will . Not for acceptance, but to seek His face in the process of serving Him. Change me, Lord. Have your way in me. i kept repeating those words over.
caleb started a session of prayer. started thanking God for the fellowship. it's real funny but i started off praying something like " Lord, thank you the rest have bonded . and lord, if i am to leave , then i will". started to feel alone again. away from the main team; physically and emotionally. started tearing- out of sadness that i probably wouldn't be part of a ministry i had loved so much.not fitting in. But He changed that.
Minghui started reading psalm 139-my favourite psalm. I broke down. * note-flo doesn't usually break down/or tries not to during prayer/worship etc..haa =P. yea. just felt His presence surrounding me. When i felt alone, He reminded me of His love, his omnipresence. When i thought i was in control of the situation, he reminded me of His sovereignty and His greatness. I was overwhelmed. He taught me so much today about service.
He doesn't need my service. Am i serving Him or man? What was my purpose in serving? Why did i try to 'win' his love when it was already so freely and abundantly given? Why didn't I place my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in His hands before in this ministry?
Brought back quite a lot from the retreat-even though it was a mere 2 days. Got back a lot more than what i bargained for. Opened up my eyes ;my perspective of things. Cleared up what was bugging me these past few weeks. I'm thankful that He spoke to me today. Really am.
I'll never be the same again.
There must be more than this
Oh breath of God, come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray
Consuming fire, fan into flame
A passion for your name
Spirit of God, fall in this place
Lord have your way
Lord have your way with us
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."
Psalm 139: 7-10
posted by fLo at 00:32
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