redeemed by Your sacrifice

have been moping around this week. fidgetty. it's been unnerving and frustrating trying to sort out what's been on my mind. trying to focus. have been struggling with some sins which were really bothering me the past week; and to add to the " craziness", got stuck in the rut with 'that' old problem again. as i read through my past entries in my diary ( or doodly book)" which i kept in jc, couldn't help sighing. yes, I've grown in certain aspects since then, but sometimes i really feel as if I'm perpetually stuck in the adolescent stage! =x. so sad. you know, it's like freud's explanation of adolescent behaviour- if you do not move on from a certain developmental phase, you'll encounter fixation/ stagnation, and you'll regress to the lowest form of development ( maybe like curl up on the floor like a feotus) where you feel the safest by applying certain defense mechanisms ( eg. denial etc ). ( disclaimer: I'm not a proponent of frued! haa~ just find his psychoanalytic theories pretty intriging)

what am i doing? feel as if i'm in yet another identity crisis. yes, i know that my identity is found in Him, but who am i really? what is the basis behind what I do? What goes through my mind when i do stuff? do i want to gain acceptance? or do i sincerely want to do the things i do for His glory?

but anyways, even though i guess i still have to figure who i really am as 'myself', as a Christian etc, was really grateful that in spite of my lack of focus and sinful self, God redeems me from my sinful nature. Am really thankful for yesterday's bible study of Romans 8: 1-17 during CG. ( * Thank you meisi for making it so interactive! =P ) And I wanna thank Shawna too ( if you're reading this) for really reminding me that Jesus has already paid the price for our past, present and future sins and that if repentance has already been sought, then I should trust that He has redeemed me, and that He will continue to guide me along the way in spite of my sinful nature.

as i read romans again today, really marvelled at God's omnipotence- He's so powerful! He's so powerful that He makes it so simple for us to go back to Him, as long as we accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. He's so powerful cause although we are like chaffs in the wind, God cbose to send Jesus as a living sacrifice. Just for us so that we can be with Him in eternity! All we have to do is believe in Him . It's amazing. Simply great to get back to the basics. Reminds me of really the wonder and beauty of the Christian faith.

find that it was just so apt when i was translating romans 8: 9-11 yesterday. reread it and am so encouraged by it!

I thank God for overcoming death and sin! God, you're victorious!

Also reminded that in overcoming the struggle against sin, it is not determinant by my own strength. " It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. " ( Romans 9: 16)

Am really thankful for such a wonderful Saviour!!! =)


" You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the spirit, if the spirit of God lives in You....But if Christ is in you,your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in You, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you." Romans 8:9-11

melancholic musings....

the start of the year once again... yet another new sem. the year hasn't exactly started " wonderfully well" this time round with all the rain and what nots. though i like rain ( when i'm at home and it's ultra nice to sleep in or cuddle up on the sofa and watch tv =P and of course, the smell of rain! me thinks it makes one feel really refreshed! ), there's been TOO MUCH of it. It's a good thing, however, that right at this moment, the sun's out and it's bright and sunny. woohoo!
despite the new year being only 13 days old, feel like so much as happened in this short span of time- as if everything's compressed into 2 short weeks. events, planning, birthdays, celebrations, mourning, thinking, school. it's only the 3rd day of school ( without lectures) and i'm starting to yawn uncontrollably after the 1st hour of lectures. sighs.
been feeling rather directionless again-like the start of last sem. really don't know what's in store for me this year/sem and it's been making me restless. Think most of it is probably my fault for not being too consistant with qt before the AY started. Gotta catch up again. I never learn, do i?
these 2 weeks have been; least to say, eventful. I think what made most of my melancholic, muddled mood has been; i'm ashamed to say, my bitterness. Never felt that bitter before about something or someone and it's eating into me. I know I must resolve it as soon as i can before it engulfs me and i lose my passion for what's really important. I can only pray for courage and forgiveness even as i attempt to do something about this.
the event that took place yesterday really shocked and jolted me quite a bit from my ultra introverted and taking-stuff-for -granted life. really showed me how transient and fragile life is. showed me how God can give and take away in a way that was really real and close to my heart. made me think of how many a times i take my family for granted- thinking that they'll always be there for me. made me think about how i am currently living my life for Him and whether, when i reach the end of my short time on earth, I can confidently say like Paul, " I have finished the race" and have" fought the good fight". made me question my motives for doing social work again. made me feel so small in the hands of the almighty God.
read psalms 139 today again. and once again, it never fails to touch me and stir my heart. as i read the psalm, felt myself choking up again. i am just so grateful for a God who understands my heart inside out without me even having to verbalise it. i am grateful that He knows my thoughts even though i may not even realize and comprehend them. I thank God for being my creator and being so real to me at times like this.

so many things on my mind.

yesterday we were trying to get pple for the Singapore race tingy. not really 'succcessful' in terms of numbers and we were trying desperately to get pple to take part in it. The deadline was yesterday night. We began to explore the reasons as to why perhaps in the whole population of 300 plus students, we couldn't even get 12 volunteers. I began to rationalize things, saying that perhaps year 1s aren't too comfortable in doing activites and blah blah. i can't fanthom why, Christians, ( me included) are sometimes more interested in 'other things' than doing God's work or even commuting with him. I don't know why i can be so reluctant to do HIs work and yet happily agree to go out with a friend or worse still; rather stay at home and do nothing. What's the matter? I don't know and i don't understand. What causes the inertia? Why is it that God's work is always seen as something 'extra' we do compared to something like school where we " have" to do readings, do tutorials etc. I admit, I am one of those i have just mentioned above and i'm FAR from even being consdidered ' enthusiastic'. so what's the reason? I guess it's time for me to do more soul searching. definitely need HIs help and conviction.

on a good note, however, I thank God for bringing me, ade and the whole ifg comm through the prc camp and the afterglow event despite all the last minute glitches and our sometimes less-than-perfect planning. Think through this expereince, made me fully understand the meaning behind the phrase that God will not let His work go in vain and also His sovereignty over ALL things. I thank God for bringing ifg closer through these events; and I pray that He continues to mould us as a committee. There will be even better things to come, I'm sure when ESC starts. =)

so well, i guess, i need more time to think about what i really wanna do and who i really am before school and the year starts 'proper'.

11 more months to go for a fantastic year ahead.

i shall press on.

Consuming fire, fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God, won't you come fill this place
Lord have Your way, Lord have your way , in us.

" Where can i go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I makde my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if i settle on the far side of the sea, evebn there your hand will guide me, your right hand willl hold me fast." Psalm 139: 7-10

worship

how apt.

By oswald chambers

Worship is giving God the best that He has given you. Be careful what you do with the best you have. Whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love-gift. Take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. If you hoard it for yourself, it will turn into spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded (see Exodus 16:20 ). God will never allow you to keep a spiritual blessing completely for yourself. It must be given back to Him so that He can make it a blessing to others.
Bethel is the symbol of fellowship with God; Ai is the symbol of the world. Abram "pitched his tent" between the two. The lasting value of our public service for God is measured by the depth of the intimacy of our private times of fellowship and oneness with Him. Rushing in and out of worship is wrong every time— there is always plenty of time to worship God. Days set apart for quiet can be a trap, detracting from the need to have daily quiet time with God. That is why we must "pitch our tents" where we will always have quiet times with Him, however noisy our times with the world may be. There are not three levels of spiritual life— worship, waiting, and work. Yet some of us seem to jump like spiritual frogs from worship to waiting, and from waiting to work. God’s idea is that the three should go together as one. They were always together in the life of our Lord and in perfect harmony. It is a discipline that must be developed; it will not happen overnight.