Still
today, i went out cause no one was in.
nevermind about what you just read. it's absurd. personal paradox.haa.
was planning to go for corporate prayer meeting today; in the end i didn't. ended up walking aimlessly around city hall and suntec. you know how when people remark about others like, " That girl/guy, she's in her own little world. Dunno what she's/he's thinking" ? i finally know what it feels like to be that person. caught up in my 'little world' while 'roaming' the so called 'world' out there. was literally dragging my feet along the aisles , walking so slowly that i think the people behind me were getting pretty frustrated. didn't really care anyway, just swantered around like i was the only one there; moved in and out of shops; boutiques. pretending i was shopping. pretending i was having fun. pretending i was fine.
was just somehow caught up with a lot of stuff which sort of culminated and seeped through today. didn't help that no one was available to go for the meeting today. yesh, i am anti-social. sigh. was hoping for some emotional support cause i was not feeling too right with God today. but nevermind. glad it's all better now. =)
perhaps what got me into that terrible mood was my friend commenting on how some of her friends have changed. she remarked that it was a pity that some friends whom she was very close to in secondary school are sort of 'gone' now. no more catching up about each other's lives, no longer the emotional closeness and bond they once shared. she then mentioned another friend, and wondered if her friend remembered the past major quarrel in secondary school and if the person had held that grudge, and therefore lost contact.
while she was talking, i thought about the friendships i had forged in secondary school, jc and even till this point of time. what she said was all too familiar. i remember the time in primary school when i would have new ' best friends' every year and then i got so disillusioned with the idea of 'best friends' that i never felt at ease with terming a close friend that any longer. cause when someone was my 'best friend' , i became selfish, demanding. i would want my friend to be always with me ; and when she couldn't , i would feel alone and hurt. the worst thing was, i would take my friend for granted. and when i felt closer to another friend at another point of time, i would have another' best friend'. kind of defeats the purpose of the term " best" .
in secondary school, things changed. think i closed up a lot. ironic when most people open up to new stuff. unfamiliar faces. but i did make a few great friends, who are still great friends of mine today. thank God for them! unfortunately, never did escape the vicious cycle of losing some friends and finding new ones.
if i had a choice, i would want to keep all the friendships i made. but i can't. cause people change, myself included. i've gone through many periods when i would just question myself and asking what was wrong with me that caused my friendships to fade off. feel frustrated for not having answers yet not having the courage to just pick up the phone to talk to an old friend.
that said and done, i profess that i am still struggling with it- which explains much of my melancholy for most part of today. cause when you've experienced a certain bond and closeness with a friend, and yet lose that promixity in friendship in a flash of perhaps only 1, 2 months or even only a few weeks , it hurts. cause you know that something is different ,though u can't quite put your finger on it. it makes you question what happened. makes you trace back and experience a rollercoaster of emotions.
i can't let it go , not totally at least. how can one let go of a friendship that easily? or perhaps it was an expectation that wasn't met that made me upset. what??
i couldn't figure it out. felt really drained in a way. felt tired from the excuses for the things i do sometimes. the procrastination, the tiredness, the lack of time.
been stressed over stuff for ifg . i'm a terrible secretary. = (
holidays are ending. still i feel directionless.
Yet, in spite of all my insecurities and questioning, He was there. felt Him reminding me, " Be still for I am God" and immediately everything seemed not that complicated anymore. how many times must i be reminded that it's not about me? How many times must i remind myself that He is the centre of my life; the heart of worship?
Lord, help me.
Teach me, O LORD to follow your decrees;
that I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding, and I will keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
Turn my heart toward your statutes,
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
Take away the disgrace i dread,
for your laws are good.
How I long for your precepts!
Preserve my life in your righteousness.
Psalm 119: 33-40.
nevermind about what you just read. it's absurd. personal paradox.haa.
was planning to go for corporate prayer meeting today; in the end i didn't. ended up walking aimlessly around city hall and suntec. you know how when people remark about others like, " That girl/guy, she's in her own little world. Dunno what she's/he's thinking" ? i finally know what it feels like to be that person. caught up in my 'little world' while 'roaming' the so called 'world' out there. was literally dragging my feet along the aisles , walking so slowly that i think the people behind me were getting pretty frustrated. didn't really care anyway, just swantered around like i was the only one there; moved in and out of shops; boutiques. pretending i was shopping. pretending i was having fun. pretending i was fine.
was just somehow caught up with a lot of stuff which sort of culminated and seeped through today. didn't help that no one was available to go for the meeting today. yesh, i am anti-social. sigh. was hoping for some emotional support cause i was not feeling too right with God today. but nevermind. glad it's all better now. =)
perhaps what got me into that terrible mood was my friend commenting on how some of her friends have changed. she remarked that it was a pity that some friends whom she was very close to in secondary school are sort of 'gone' now. no more catching up about each other's lives, no longer the emotional closeness and bond they once shared. she then mentioned another friend, and wondered if her friend remembered the past major quarrel in secondary school and if the person had held that grudge, and therefore lost contact.
while she was talking, i thought about the friendships i had forged in secondary school, jc and even till this point of time. what she said was all too familiar. i remember the time in primary school when i would have new ' best friends' every year and then i got so disillusioned with the idea of 'best friends' that i never felt at ease with terming a close friend that any longer. cause when someone was my 'best friend' , i became selfish, demanding. i would want my friend to be always with me ; and when she couldn't , i would feel alone and hurt. the worst thing was, i would take my friend for granted. and when i felt closer to another friend at another point of time, i would have another' best friend'. kind of defeats the purpose of the term " best" .
in secondary school, things changed. think i closed up a lot. ironic when most people open up to new stuff. unfamiliar faces. but i did make a few great friends, who are still great friends of mine today. thank God for them! unfortunately, never did escape the vicious cycle of losing some friends and finding new ones.
if i had a choice, i would want to keep all the friendships i made. but i can't. cause people change, myself included. i've gone through many periods when i would just question myself and asking what was wrong with me that caused my friendships to fade off. feel frustrated for not having answers yet not having the courage to just pick up the phone to talk to an old friend.
that said and done, i profess that i am still struggling with it- which explains much of my melancholy for most part of today. cause when you've experienced a certain bond and closeness with a friend, and yet lose that promixity in friendship in a flash of perhaps only 1, 2 months or even only a few weeks , it hurts. cause you know that something is different ,though u can't quite put your finger on it. it makes you question what happened. makes you trace back and experience a rollercoaster of emotions.
i can't let it go , not totally at least. how can one let go of a friendship that easily? or perhaps it was an expectation that wasn't met that made me upset. what??
i couldn't figure it out. felt really drained in a way. felt tired from the excuses for the things i do sometimes. the procrastination, the tiredness, the lack of time.
been stressed over stuff for ifg . i'm a terrible secretary. = (
holidays are ending. still i feel directionless.
Yet, in spite of all my insecurities and questioning, He was there. felt Him reminding me, " Be still for I am God" and immediately everything seemed not that complicated anymore. how many times must i be reminded that it's not about me? How many times must i remind myself that He is the centre of my life; the heart of worship?
Lord, help me.
Teach me, O LORD to follow your decrees;
that I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding, and I will keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
Turn my heart toward your statutes,
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
Take away the disgrace i dread,
for your laws are good.
How I long for your precepts!
Preserve my life in your righteousness.
Psalm 119: 33-40.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar;
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still, know you are God.
I will be still, know you are God.
posted by fLo at 22:58
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