melancholic musings....

the start of the year once again... yet another new sem. the year hasn't exactly started " wonderfully well" this time round with all the rain and what nots. though i like rain ( when i'm at home and it's ultra nice to sleep in or cuddle up on the sofa and watch tv =P and of course, the smell of rain! me thinks it makes one feel really refreshed! ), there's been TOO MUCH of it. It's a good thing, however, that right at this moment, the sun's out and it's bright and sunny. woohoo!
despite the new year being only 13 days old, feel like so much as happened in this short span of time- as if everything's compressed into 2 short weeks. events, planning, birthdays, celebrations, mourning, thinking, school. it's only the 3rd day of school ( without lectures) and i'm starting to yawn uncontrollably after the 1st hour of lectures. sighs.
been feeling rather directionless again-like the start of last sem. really don't know what's in store for me this year/sem and it's been making me restless. Think most of it is probably my fault for not being too consistant with qt before the AY started. Gotta catch up again. I never learn, do i?
these 2 weeks have been; least to say, eventful. I think what made most of my melancholic, muddled mood has been; i'm ashamed to say, my bitterness. Never felt that bitter before about something or someone and it's eating into me. I know I must resolve it as soon as i can before it engulfs me and i lose my passion for what's really important. I can only pray for courage and forgiveness even as i attempt to do something about this.
the event that took place yesterday really shocked and jolted me quite a bit from my ultra introverted and taking-stuff-for -granted life. really showed me how transient and fragile life is. showed me how God can give and take away in a way that was really real and close to my heart. made me think of how many a times i take my family for granted- thinking that they'll always be there for me. made me think about how i am currently living my life for Him and whether, when i reach the end of my short time on earth, I can confidently say like Paul, " I have finished the race" and have" fought the good fight". made me question my motives for doing social work again. made me feel so small in the hands of the almighty God.
read psalms 139 today again. and once again, it never fails to touch me and stir my heart. as i read the psalm, felt myself choking up again. i am just so grateful for a God who understands my heart inside out without me even having to verbalise it. i am grateful that He knows my thoughts even though i may not even realize and comprehend them. I thank God for being my creator and being so real to me at times like this.

so many things on my mind.

yesterday we were trying to get pple for the Singapore race tingy. not really 'succcessful' in terms of numbers and we were trying desperately to get pple to take part in it. The deadline was yesterday night. We began to explore the reasons as to why perhaps in the whole population of 300 plus students, we couldn't even get 12 volunteers. I began to rationalize things, saying that perhaps year 1s aren't too comfortable in doing activites and blah blah. i can't fanthom why, Christians, ( me included) are sometimes more interested in 'other things' than doing God's work or even commuting with him. I don't know why i can be so reluctant to do HIs work and yet happily agree to go out with a friend or worse still; rather stay at home and do nothing. What's the matter? I don't know and i don't understand. What causes the inertia? Why is it that God's work is always seen as something 'extra' we do compared to something like school where we " have" to do readings, do tutorials etc. I admit, I am one of those i have just mentioned above and i'm FAR from even being consdidered ' enthusiastic'. so what's the reason? I guess it's time for me to do more soul searching. definitely need HIs help and conviction.

on a good note, however, I thank God for bringing me, ade and the whole ifg comm through the prc camp and the afterglow event despite all the last minute glitches and our sometimes less-than-perfect planning. Think through this expereince, made me fully understand the meaning behind the phrase that God will not let His work go in vain and also His sovereignty over ALL things. I thank God for bringing ifg closer through these events; and I pray that He continues to mould us as a committee. There will be even better things to come, I'm sure when ESC starts. =)

so well, i guess, i need more time to think about what i really wanna do and who i really am before school and the year starts 'proper'.

11 more months to go for a fantastic year ahead.

i shall press on.

Consuming fire, fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God, won't you come fill this place
Lord have Your way, Lord have your way , in us.

" Where can i go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I makde my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if i settle on the far side of the sea, evebn there your hand will guide me, your right hand willl hold me fast." Psalm 139: 7-10