His Love changes me...

nostalgia.

2008-05-25T23:57:00.002+08:00

feeling bleargh now... and for the sake of it, i've decided to just randomly blog here for nostalgia's sake. haa. oh man. 2 years since i last blogged. was reading through stuff that i've written on small notebooks/scraps of paper/nice diaries /typed in the com randomly since jc and couldn't help but feel a bit emo. =P it's quite interesting, really; to read the stuff that i've written in the past.. with all the feelings of infatuation/confusion/blearghness ( mainly bgr frustrations..haha.) and more amazingly..read poems that i actually came up with during some of the boring breaks in my part time admin job before uni..haha. i think i have lost some of that 'lit influence'..no more literary 'aura' spewing from me anymore. i think i might have been more metaphorical in the past ..haha. now i'm just shallow. haha.

i guess it's kind of ironic. but i still do struggle with bgr stuff..albeit on a different level. yes, you grow out of the 'childishness' and a bit of the foolishness, but now and then subconciously they come back and make attempts to allure you into those feelings of wanting to feel the sensations of 'being loved', of feeling that 'high' when someone does something special, when that someone special just makes everything a bit blurry and dreamlike.

i admit. now and then i do long for that 'someone'. who he is, i don't know. ( at least not now). oh Lord, just pull me out of this pit of sinking sand. the past's simply not someplace i would want to revisit. oh Lord, if it is your will that i should wait, then grant me patience, and a heart that seeks and longs for You, the lover and saviour of my soul.

can you believe it? i'm graduating already. and i'm starting work in exactly a week's time. ah! they do not lie when they say 'time flies'. oh , but i do not regret one bit every minute i spent with VCF. I thank God for placing me there; for helping me grow; for my many many fantastic brothers and sisters in Christ who have strengthened my faith in Him.

but now i am in limbo again. and i think it's in these times that you simply HAVE to think and rethink and evaluate things that have happened in your life and plan where to go next( with His direction and 'permission' of course). and i think i shall do just that in this week i have left before i am thrown into the cruel cruel world of work. haha.

shall work on my QT and prayer. have been seriously lagging and in want of better quality time spent with my Father. Lord, you first; you first.

shall say adieu for now. and i'm hoping that sometime ( again) that perhaps; perhaps i'll pen a song or a poem once again.

bleargh

2006-11-07T11:13:00.000+08:00

bleargh
what am i doing on blogspot?
i'm bored
and hungry
and trying to while away time
because i have no money
bleargh

haa...sorrie..just tired of doing research for my final group project that is due this sem... and there's no one around here in smc to whine to ..so oh well..

i miss morning worship!

2006-05-18T00:10:00.000+08:00

i miss morning worship!!! = ( sad. work starts so early that i hardly have time to do qt, much less pray and do a 'mini' worship session on my own... = (
sigh.
oh well...shall elaborate more at another time...another day.. it's way past my bedtime and there's work at 8 tomorrow... i need prayer !! pray for me please... =)
for those doing attachment...hang in there!! =)

Everything in it's time

2006-05-06T00:53:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer
To get through it all
I just fall on my kness and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

Corrinne May- 'Everything in its time'

In your time Lord.

Upcomings...

2006-05-06T00:14:00.000+08:00

the exams are FINALLY over! Thank God! =) first time in my entire sjtudent life in nus so far that i've had exams for 2 weeks...bleargh..was bad...will prob never do it again if i can help it .heh. anyways, must really thank God for helping me through my papers..for showering me with the grace that i have been truly underserving of ( esp in my unusally whiny and mopey and panic-stricken self during the pre-pre ( 1 week before papers), pre- ( a day or half an hour before paper) and post ( "trying to find ans in notes to double check" mode) anxiety attacks. Thank God for people like ade, sharon etc... ( + all those who constantly shoved chocs and sweeties to me when i felt stressed. ( hey..i'm a gifts person k? =P haa) and those who really took time out to write me little notes of encouragement despite themselves being bogged down with the same levels of stress.. ( 2nd highest love gift ' words of affirmation! ' haa) . So ...yea..a BIG thank you to YOU ( you pple know who you are) and God for providing me with such friends like u all...you've indeed been a blessing to me. =)

There are so many things to think about even as the hols ( wait..i take that back. =x) start.. ( prob due to the cumulative effects of procrastination ) but hopefully the 2.5 days left of my so- called term break will be fruitful ( in terms of really being still and listening to Him speak and guide). been feeling so dry as a result of the lack of reflection -doing in my tiny notebook which has been exhausted, and honestly, a lack of taking time in reading His word and absorbing and reflecting on what the word has to say . sigh! have been feeding myself with ' snacks' ( aka 5- 15 min of qt and pray daily) . feel so undernourished now. bleargh.

aniways yea. back to the stuff i am having to think about now. 1. how to lead a cg??! what to do?! 2. what if i really messed my attachment up? 3. how am i to balance work, cf and church commitments ?? ARGH. think i prob need lots of prayer , humility and faith.

Out of point but since polling day is tomorrow...decided to put my two cents worth on what i feel about the whole rally that has been going on these past week or 2... 1. Why should citizens be deprived of any upgrading of HDB flats if they have been faitfully paying their taxes just like anyone else simply because they choose the opposition parties? heh. i mean ultimately whoever's being elected is going to be part of the GOVERNMENT of Singapore..and not part of a single party with pple in perpetual white shirts and incessant garlands who dangle '$100 million' carrot in the upgrading scheme for residents. ( it's pure brib.... =x) 2. there's been talk about doing away with means testing for healthcare. ( hey...put msw's out of work to do leh! just kidding.) on a more serious note.. i feel that means testing is pretty crucial in order for social workers to determine objectively if a family is able to afford the medical fees ( and also more concrete and credible since it's in black and white for the clients to see mar) with them proposing to do away with it means that many people may start claiming they need financial aid just becuase they have chose to stay in a B or C class ward. ( believe me..i'm sure there are people who would go great lengths to avoid paying their hospital bills.. ( i'm refering to those who can well afford to =x). but i prob need to find out more about the means testing part before making any judgements...part of the job i guess! =P ( Argh! work starts on mon! =x)

on a more personal note.. really hope that a good governing body is set in place locally. have to place our future leaders in His hands i guess. =)

so many things left unanswered . distractions galore. ( bleargh.) Lord help me to trust in You; in Your unfailing love; in Your timing; in Your will that you have put forth in my life.

boredom.

2006-04-29T17:34:00.000+08:00

courtesy of meisi's blog..haa

1 more paper to go...shall press on! =P

shall use psychotherapy on myself.... " disputing of irrational beliefs"..er..right.

sighs. whatever. = (

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Receiving Gifts
with a secondary love language being
Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Receiving Gifts:		10
Words of Affirmation:		9
Quality Time:		7
Acts of Service:		4
Physical Touch:		0

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

My greatest love

2006-02-14T11:12:00.000+08:00

Every new day
Your glory unfolds,
Filling my eyes,
With your treasures untold
The beauty of holiness,
Brings worship anew
My greatest love is You

Hold me deeper
In your embrace
The river that flows from the holy place
Wash over me
Cleansing me through
My greatest love is You

am i willing to be a living sacrifice for Him? ( part 2)

2006-02-06T09:46:00.000+08:00

* Taken from My Utmost for His Highest

I am already being poured out as a drink offering . . . —2 Timothy 4:6
Are you ready to be poured out as an offering? It is an act of your will, not your emotions. Tell God you are ready to be offered as a sacrifice for Him. Then accept the consequences as they come, without any complaints, in spite of what God may send your way. God sends you through a crisis in private, where no other person can help you. From the outside your life may appear to be the same, but the difference is taking place in your will. Once you have experienced the crisis in your will, you will take no thought of the cost when it begins to affect you externally. If you don’t deal with God on the level of your will first, the result will be only to arouse sympathy for yourself.
"Bind the sacrifice with cords to the horns of the altar" ( Psalm 118:27 ). You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents-burning, purification, and separation for only one purpose-the elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed toward God. But you don’t eliminate it, God does. You "bind the sacrifice . . . to the horns of the altar" and see to it that you don’t wallow in self-pity once the fire begins. After you have gone through the fire, there will be nothing that will be able to trouble or depress you. When another crisis arises, you will realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do. What fire lies ahead in your life?
Tell God you are ready to be poured out as an offering, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.

are you willing to be abased?

2006-02-06T09:43:00.000+08:00

* Taken from My Utmost for His Highest
Are You Ready To Be Poured Out As an Offering?
If I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all —Philippians 2:17
Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the work of another believer— to pour out your life sacrificially for the ministry and faith of others? Or do you say, "I am not willing to be poured out right now, and I don’t want God to tell me how to serve Him. I want to choose the place of my own sacrifice. And I want to have certain people watching me and saying, ’Well done.’ "
It is one thing to follow God’s way of service if you are regarded as a hero, but quite another thing if the road marked out for you by God requires becoming a "doormat" under other people’s feet. God’s purpose may be to teach you to say, "I know how to be abased . . ." ( Philippians 4:12 ). Are you ready to be sacrificed like that? Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket-to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted— not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister? Some saints cannot do menial work while maintaining a saintly attitude, because they feel such service is beneath their dignity.

am i ready?

redeemed by Your sacrifice

2006-01-27T09:22:00.000+08:00

have been moping around this week. fidgetty. it's been unnerving and frustrating trying to sort out what's been on my mind. trying to focus. have been struggling with some sins which were really bothering me the past week; and to add to the " craziness", got stuck in the rut with 'that' old problem again. as i read through my past entries in my diary ( or doodly book)" which i kept in jc, couldn't help sighing. yes, I've grown in certain aspects since then, but sometimes i really feel as if I'm perpetually stuck in the adolescent stage! =x. so sad. you know, it's like freud's explanation of adolescent behaviour- if you do not move on from a certain developmental phase, you'll encounter fixation/ stagnation, and you'll regress to the lowest form of development ( maybe like curl up on the floor like a feotus) where you feel the safest by applying certain defense mechanisms ( eg. denial etc ). ( disclaimer: I'm not a proponent of frued! haa~ just find his psychoanalytic theories pretty intriging)

what am i doing? feel as if i'm in yet another identity crisis. yes, i know that my identity is found in Him, but who am i really? what is the basis behind what I do? What goes through my mind when i do stuff? do i want to gain acceptance? or do i sincerely want to do the things i do for His glory?

but anyways, even though i guess i still have to figure who i really am as 'myself', as a Christian etc, was really grateful that in spite of my lack of focus and sinful self, God redeems me from my sinful nature. Am really thankful for yesterday's bible study of Romans 8: 1-17 during CG. ( * Thank you meisi for making it so interactive! =P ) And I wanna thank Shawna too ( if you're reading this) for really reminding me that Jesus has already paid the price for our past, present and future sins and that if repentance has already been sought, then I should trust that He has redeemed me, and that He will continue to guide me along the way in spite of my sinful nature.

as i read romans again today, really marvelled at God's omnipotence- He's so powerful! He's so powerful that He makes it so simple for us to go back to Him, as long as we accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. He's so powerful cause although we are like chaffs in the wind, God cbose to send Jesus as a living sacrifice. Just for us so that we can be with Him in eternity! All we have to do is believe in Him . It's amazing. Simply great to get back to the basics. Reminds me of really the wonder and beauty of the Christian faith.

find that it was just so apt when i was translating romans 8: 9-11 yesterday. reread it and am so encouraged by it!

I thank God for overcoming death and sin! God, you're victorious!

Also reminded that in overcoming the struggle against sin, it is not determinant by my own strength. " It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. " ( Romans 9: 16)

Am really thankful for such a wonderful Saviour!!! =)

" You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the spirit, if the spirit of God lives in You....But if Christ is in you,your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in You, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you." Romans 8:9-11

melancholic musings....

2006-01-13T09:06:00.000+08:00

the start of the year once again... yet another new sem. the year hasn't exactly started " wonderfully well" this time round with all the rain and what nots. though i like rain ( when i'm at home and it's ultra nice to sleep in or cuddle up on the sofa and watch tv =P and of course, the smell of rain! me thinks it makes one feel really refreshed! ), there's been TOO MUCH of it. It's a good thing, however, that right at this moment, the sun's out and it's bright and sunny. woohoo!
despite the new year being only 13 days old, feel like so much as happened in this short span of time- as if everything's compressed into 2 short weeks. events, planning, birthdays, celebrations, mourning, thinking, school. it's only the 3rd day of school ( without lectures) and i'm starting to yawn uncontrollably after the 1st hour of lectures. sighs.
been feeling rather directionless again-like the start of last sem. really don't know what's in store for me this year/sem and it's been making me restless. Think most of it is probably my fault for not being too consistant with qt before the AY started. Gotta catch up again. I never learn, do i?
these 2 weeks have been; least to say, eventful. I think what made most of my melancholic, muddled mood has been; i'm ashamed to say, my bitterness. Never felt that bitter before about something or someone and it's eating into me. I know I must resolve it as soon as i can before it engulfs me and i lose my passion for what's really important. I can only pray for courage and forgiveness even as i attempt to do something about this.
the event that took place yesterday really shocked and jolted me quite a bit from my ultra introverted and taking-stuff-for -granted life. really showed me how transient and fragile life is. showed me how God can give and take away in a way that was really real and close to my heart. made me think of how many a times i take my family for granted- thinking that they'll always be there for me. made me think about how i am currently living my life for Him and whether, when i reach the end of my short time on earth, I can confidently say like Paul, " I have finished the race" and have" fought the good fight". made me question my motives for doing social work again. made me feel so small in the hands of the almighty God.
read psalms 139 today again. and once again, it never fails to touch me and stir my heart. as i read the psalm, felt myself choking up again. i am just so grateful for a God who understands my heart inside out without me even having to verbalise it. i am grateful that He knows my thoughts even though i may not even realize and comprehend them. I thank God for being my creator and being so real to me at times like this.

so many things on my mind.

yesterday we were trying to get pple for the Singapore race tingy. not really 'succcessful' in terms of numbers and we were trying desperately to get pple to take part in it. The deadline was yesterday night. We began to explore the reasons as to why perhaps in the whole population of 300 plus students, we couldn't even get 12 volunteers. I began to rationalize things, saying that perhaps year 1s aren't too comfortable in doing activites and blah blah. i can't fanthom why, Christians, ( me included) are sometimes more interested in 'other things' than doing God's work or even commuting with him. I don't know why i can be so reluctant to do HIs work and yet happily agree to go out with a friend or worse still; rather stay at home and do nothing. What's the matter? I don't know and i don't understand. What causes the inertia? Why is it that God's work is always seen as something 'extra' we do compared to something like school where we " have" to do readings, do tutorials etc. I admit, I am one of those i have just mentioned above and i'm FAR from even being consdidered ' enthusiastic'. so what's the reason? I guess it's time for me to do more soul searching. definitely need HIs help and conviction.

on a good note, however, I thank God for bringing me, ade and the whole ifg comm through the prc camp and the afterglow event despite all the last minute glitches and our sometimes less-than-perfect planning. Think through this expereince, made me fully understand the meaning behind the phrase that God will not let His work go in vain and also His sovereignty over ALL things. I thank God for bringing ifg closer through these events; and I pray that He continues to mould us as a committee. There will be even better things to come, I'm sure when ESC starts. =)

so well, i guess, i need more time to think about what i really wanna do and who i really am before school and the year starts 'proper'.

11 more months to go for a fantastic year ahead.

i shall press on.

Consuming fire, fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God, won't you come fill this place
Lord have Your way, Lord have your way , in us.

" Where can i go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I makde my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if i settle on the far side of the sea, evebn there your hand will guide me, your right hand willl hold me fast." Psalm 139: 7-10

worship

2006-01-07T01:13:00.000+08:00

how apt.

By oswald chambers

Worship is giving God the best that He has given you. Be careful what you do with the best you have. Whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love-gift. Take time to meditate before God and offer the blessing back to Him in a deliberate act of worship. If you hoard it for yourself, it will turn into spiritual dry rot, as the manna did when it was hoarded (see Exodus 16:20 ). God will never allow you to keep a spiritual blessing completely for yourself. It must be given back to Him so that He can make it a blessing to others.
Bethel is the symbol of fellowship with God; Ai is the symbol of the world. Abram "pitched his tent" between the two. The lasting value of our public service for God is measured by the depth of the intimacy of our private times of fellowship and oneness with Him. Rushing in and out of worship is wrong every time— there is always plenty of time to worship God. Days set apart for quiet can be a trap, detracting from the need to have daily quiet time with God. That is why we must "pitch our tents" where we will always have quiet times with Him, however noisy our times with the world may be. There are not three levels of spiritual life— worship, waiting, and work. Yet some of us seem to jump like spiritual frogs from worship to waiting, and from waiting to work. God’s idea is that the three should go together as one. They were always together in the life of our Lord and in perfect harmony. It is a discipline that must be developed; it will not happen overnight.

= (

2005-12-10T22:22:00.000+08:00

no one bothered. = ( down.

just me I hope.

tomorrow will be a better day.

bring me back to You

2005-12-06T11:18:00.000+08:00

I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be for the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth —Genesis 9:13
It is the will of God that human beings should get into a right-standing relationship with Him, and His covenants are designed for this purpose. Why doesn’t God save me? He has accomplished and provided for my salvation, but I have not yet entered into a relationship with Him. Why doesn’t God do everything we ask? He has done it. The point is— will I step into that covenant relationship? All the great blessings of God are finished and complete, but they are not mine until I enter into a relationship with Him on the basis of His covenant.
Waiting for God to act is fleshly unbelief. It means that I have no faith in Him. I wait for Him to do something in me so I may trust in that. But God won’t do it, because that is not the basis of the God-and-man relationship. Man must go beyond the physical body and feelings in his covenant with God, just as God goes beyond Himself in reaching out with His covenant to man. It is a question of faith in God--a very rare thing. We only have faith in our feelings. I don’t believe God until He puts something tangible in my hand, so that I know I have it. Then I say, "Now I believe." There is no faith exhibited in that. God says, "Look to Me, and be saved . . ." ( Isaiah 45:22 ).
When I have really transacted business with God on the basis of His covenant, letting everything else go, there is no sense of personal achievement— no human ingredient in it at all. Instead, there is a complete overwhelming sense of being brought into union with God, and my life is transformed and radiates peace and joy.

Taken from My utmost to the highest by Oswald chambers ( dec 5)

Lord, help me to surrender all that i am, all that i have to You- for without You I am truely nothing.

Read Haggai today...and it talked about how; without God's blessings, the people weren't able to accomplish anything completely and in full. ( their crops were bad, they didn't have enought to eat and wear) really caused me to think about how my walk with Him has been; how I have been living my life these 2 weeks. Realised I have been like the people who couldn't really accomplish anything at all because they have concentrated on building their own houses and not the temple of God. How apt. Must confess I haven't been doing my qt very consistently after my exams ( and the lack of a daily bread as qt material really is a lame excuse). haven't been able to focus on Him; have been ultra distracted these few days by ' things of old', the planning for the camp and just really bumming around and feeling sorry for myself.

How right amd true it is when Pastor B reminded us that a person who is usually spiritually dry is one who hasn't been fed spiritual food from His word. Used to listen to it , but never really believing it for myself, but well, guess He's teaching me the importance of His word.

Pastor B's last sermon on sunday.. the 1 thing...passion and purity. My life has been sorely lacking these two things. Really want to be passionate for God once again; in my actions; in ministry; in my quiet time. I want to have a clean heart, and not be consumed by my desires.

Lord, help me love you and know you more .

Lord I need to see Your face

I need to know Your heart, more than ever

Lord I long to hear Your voice

I need to know Your way, for a time like this Lord

update!

2005-10-28T09:27:00.000+08:00

haa~ its been such a long time since i last blogged....hmm..lemme see, the last time was when school first started? and now's school's ending..haa.

oh well...

* for those who have not given up on clicking on my link for the past to months..this is for you!

Thank you! ( haa. what else did you expect? ) =P

well... will keep my blog updated as soon as exams are over i guess.... ( or when i'm bored and
don't wanna study)

a quick update... i have 2 tests, 1presentation, 1 term paper left. not what you wanted to hear about? my life? well, this is my life. largely revolves around school, and well, sleeping and eating. bleargh

ok...i'm sounding crazy now.

aniwaes...just wanna shout out to my pechies who are having exams too! study hard!!! we'll be there for each other yar?

We stand and lift up our hands
For the joy of the Lord is our strength
We bow down, and worship Him now
How great, how awesome is he
So together we sing, everyone sing

Holy is the Lord, God almighty
The earth is filled with his glory
Holy is the Lord , God almighty,
The earth is filled with his glory.

He's rising up, all around
It's the anthem of the Lord's reknown
He's rising up, all around
It's the anthem of the Lord's reknown

So together we sing
Everyone Sing

" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

school and other stuff...

2005-08-12T08:39:00.000+08:00

it has been a rather hectic past two weeks, what with meeting up with international students and getting into the momentum of starting school all over again after that wonderful 3 month break. oh well, what to do? once again thrown into the motion of things- planning timetable, choosing modules, musing over what has gone and getting over it, being stressed over science mods ( foundations of engineering and transportation in singapore =x) + queuing at the co-op to buy textbooks ( of which two cost 80 bucks?! ) + meeting new people ( in classes and in vcf) and generally just being forced into the whole 'system' of business and hustle. now i know how people suffer from burn-out. haa. personally, i think it's not really the studying per say, but more of the stress generated by trying to fit in; or rather catch up with the rest of the crowd- trying to be first in queue to buy books , trying to borrow that reference book before others get it so that one will have a so-called 'advantage', trying to find the best combination of modules to take to get the optimum CAP to do honours, RANKING! , the bell curve where every tries to squeeze into the top part of it. argh! all these are sufficiently enought to drain one for the rest of the semester, trust me. the queue at the co-op says it all. haa~

anyways, i've been trying to adjust a fair bit as well- with my 5 day school week.arghhhhh! it's perhaps poor timetable planning on my part; but then again, I really wanna take my medical sw mod, and am insistent on finishing up my required modules for attachment by this sem, so , i guess there's not much choice. hopefully it'll make me more dilligent in doing my readings and stuff. hopefully. =P

was pretty stressed last week over something in cf, which pretty much attributed to my lousy mood ( sorry pechies! =P) can't really talk much about it here, cause it's pretty sensitive . moreover, what i may say might be too one-sided and egoistical and really not very edifying; so i shall not elaborate. was bascically just frustrated. sadly, i haven't really been able to talk about this issue with the rest of the comm, much less my head. still a little peeved by what happened, but will probably get talking to him soon cause i must admit, i am being rather petty and immature about it by sort of avoiding him-esp since we are all in cf and in the body of Christ. yea, anyway, talking about cf, glad that quite a number of freshies came over for welcome tea despite the fact that it was a lecture week. it's really encouraging to see so many like-minded people on campus. =)

was rather happy yesterday! i am finally able to do more for music min!! yoohoo! been wanting to do it for a while, just waiting for an opportunity; and I was glad that God really answered my prayers and opened a door for me. Praise the Lord! am excited about the changes with the ministry and all.. think it's pretty cool. now we'll have people in charge of devotion and stuff in the ministry as well. it's great to see how even the music ministry can help its members to grow spiritually in the Lord.

hmm..everyone's been raving over FOP and i figured i must simply join in! haa~ it was great! couldn't really grasp the concept of 'being in heaven' when people worship the Lord together till last sat night. It was surreal. everyone was lifting up their hands, singing on the top of their voices praisng Him. Loved hillsongs! somehow their songs are more catchy ( or perhaps i'm still not accustomed to rock ..=P hee) it was alright though. we are afterall all praising the Lord the same. was glad that the sermon by colin dye challenged me to really seek a 'revalation' from God and ask HIm what he really wanted me to do for HIm. it was the reason why i offered to open my house to the vietnamese on national day; and I don;t regret it a bit! it was truly rewarding to really know that you made a difference and you built bonds with them. glad to see them so happy. i guess the stress was sort of worth it. =)

right now, still have a few things left on my mind; and well, pray that I will continue to trust and depend on Him.

trust implicity.

You rescued me, and picked me up
A living hope, of grace revealed
A life transformed, in righteousness
Oh Lord, you have rescued me.

Forgiving me, you healed my heart
And set me free from sin and death
You brought me life
You made me whole
Oh Lord You have rescued me

And you knew me,
before I knew you
And you knew me for all time
A new creation, in your image, O Lord,
You rescued me, You rescued me.

trivia! which will cool faster: a small block of tofu or a big one? haa~ the interesting stuff i learn at engin class.

be curious: curiosity doesn't kill ( you are not a cat) =P

..... ( unititled as yet)

2005-08-03T01:13:00.000+08:00

hee..my song i composed today!!! heee..any suggestions for a title? haa.

was at home the other day, thinking about the memories
that i'd been keeping at bay
close to crying, couldn't help tearing
cause i thought all the good times i ever had were surely gone
I thought of the moments, the words you said, the games we played
The surreal moments, the gifts exchanged
The dinners
It seemed right at that time

Many times I'd try to let it go
But the memories stayed fast
Was it ever going to come to past
I wondered

Chorus
Then when I was down and out
His still small voice came booming loud
Reaching to me
He said that His love was unchanging
And that He would carry me

Bridge
Why so downcast in my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
He said, " Put your hope in me,
And I will pull you through"

So I wanna thank you Father,
for showing me the wonder
of your amazing love and mercy
Though I still fall down sometimes
I know that I can trust in You
Trust in You alone

And I know the best times are found in You.

Trivia!

2005-08-03T01:12:00.000+08:00

Question of the day: What the the people who study the depletion of the ozone layer called?

Answer : ( or so i think): Aeronomy lab scientists! or metereologists!

haa~ only those who were in del's car get this..but anyways, just something interesting for you all to know! we're thinking of getting a list of trivia to do while waiting for fop to start on sat, think this very much kicks off the whole thing! haaaaa~

wrote a song today..mainly about how He brought me through a really tough situation ( getting over *ahem*) and it probably seems a little childish. will post it anyway so i'll be able to keep it for future use. ( if any =P ) so cool..think i'm really inspired by juwita suwito! love her songs and lyrics!

it's been a busy few weeks and week ahead..hopefully i won't lose steam by the time school starts next mon =x bleargh.. sianz.. anyone having a 5 day week too? *sobs* i guess He has a purpose for that..probably to get me to study consistantly! ya..that must be it! better pull up my CAP otherwise i won't be able to stay for honours = P

been praying for direction for a while now..and somehow i feel that God's directing me to do stuff related to music ..not sure exactly what..but it definitely feels good to know that i actually do have a passion for something..haa~ think playing the keys alone on sun sort of triggered that thought. but i surely want to hear more from Him ..i guess for now i'll let the spirit lead. =)

excited for FOP on sat!! can't wait..it'll be the first time i'll be going for it.. ( a little pathetic eh? ) well...better llate than never i guess! yay!! hope all in peche will be able to make it then..it'll be fun =)

i'll end off with Juwita Suwito's " You in Me"..really like the lyrics..meaningful.

Everytime I look into your eyes
There's a pleasant surprise awaiting me and amazing me
Somehow I realise I'm so tired of the lies they keep telling me
Telling me I should look down inside in myself to find something greater
When I know I can look at the bright side and find the creator

random thoughts

2005-07-21T23:52:00.000+08:00

realised i've been watching too many romantic/ wedding flicks lately ( oh well..only 2, but too many for a week i reckon ) , been making me hu si luan xiang. 2 similarities in the films about the male leads- they're ultra romantic!! u know, the kind where both the male and female leads engage in a flirty cum intellectual banter, it's sweet. kinda wish there was someone like that for me as well. oh well, what am i thinking? =x haa. similarity no 2. both shows involve the guy being mistaken by the female lead as the groom to someone else. pretty funny. similarity no 3. obviously, the leads get together in the end after dramatic periods of falling in and out of love with one another.

right.

the movies must be getting into me. watched "A lot like love" 2 days ago and a film on cable entitled" I do ( but I don't)" today. think romantic flicks don't do me much good. most of the time they'll just spark off some memory that i've hidden carefully in the corners of my mind and 'unleashes' a whole chain of thoughts and emotions that i don't want to trend on any longer; even the sense of 'hope' isn't really helpful. should stop watching them. haa. but then again, i am a tru blue romantic and i guess " I still believe in true love" ( haa~ another cliche ..from the 2nd movie)

been feeling rather stressed lately. think it's the formulating of the timetable for next year and pre-school jitters. + lots of things on hand ..so many things i wanna do / have to do. i want to meet friends whom i've haven't met since sec school, wanna go on a trip etc. yet so many other commitments. and then there's the nagging about balancing church and school . it's a pre-semester and near-end semester syndrome. may be going a bit bonkers. friends, please do bear with me if i go a bit nuts .haa. nearly dropped usp. sigh. long story. anyway, think i'm gg to give it another go. Have to leave it in His hands.

spiritually low again. not sure what's up with myself. been rather distracted-quiet times aren't as fufilling. need to do some re-evaluation . realized too that i've been so caught up with other things that i've failed to find a direction ; or even a purpose ; a goal i wanna achieve this hols and the next academic year. want to be close to Him again. but first, I must let Him have contol. I know, but it's kinda hard. right now, i feel like my head's stuffed with lots of cotton wool.

feel that at times i lose myself in all that business. wonder if i've ever found myself in the first place. pastor B spoke about pple being more private , esp now in this era. i wonder if i'm one of them =x. there's such a fine line between being too private and having one's own time to find himself/herself i feel. how does one determine if he/she's not using the latter to say as an excuse for not wanting to be more involved in the lives of others? do i do that? is anti-social- ness something i really am or is it just an excuse for being lazy?

lots of thinking and reflecting to do before school and stress kicks in again. till then, i have a report to do, layouts to design, minutes to type and surveys to complete.

hope i find myself and Him soon in the midst of all the business. don't wanna fall into the myraid of depression again. hate the blues.

come sunshine! =)

Your Love

2005-07-12T00:09:00.000+08:00

I can't believe the way Your love has got a hold on me

Each morning I wake to find You near

You lift me above my fears and set my feet on solid ground

All of my days belong to You

And I breathe in Your breath of life that fills my heart

You are my all consuming fire

And I stand here before You, in wide-open wonderAmazed, at the glory of You

The power of heaven revealing Your purpose in me

As I'm reaching for You

VCF FOC 2005!

2005-07-09T23:24:00.000+08:00

back from vcf camp! glad i was there though i was pang-seh-ed by my friend the day before the camp.=P went there with the motive of meeting new freshies ( and partly to make the rest of my hols a tad more meaningful ) but learnt so much more from Him. was truely by His grace that led me to the camp. to be honest, i didn't feel much for most part of the camp-felt i was simply going through the motions, being 'rahrah' for a while with the freshies but being really sian after that. didn't learn anything till the last day of camp during one of the theme talks by pastor malcom tan in 2 corinthians chapter 6-7:1 .

think what struck me most was probably the part where he beckoned all who were at the camp not to tarry in whatever the Holy spirit prompted us to do; not to put off doing things to another day lest our hearts became hardened. " As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain. For he says, " IN the time of my favour I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you. " I tell you, now is the time of God's favour, now is the day of salvation."(verses 1 and 2) it spoke to me because i felt i was stagnating in my service for Him; sometimes i procrastinate and just push my reponsibilities away simply because I didn't feel like coming out of my comfort zone to meet new people; not feeling like doing something cause i thought it would drain me; not even attempting to do my best for him because i would be so absorbed in my own little world -feelings of self pity ; inadequacy.

Not exactly sure what He wants me to do for Him right now, will probably pray about it more. But for now , i guess i will continue to serve Him in whatever ways i can.
Guess this lesson tugged at my heart also because of the recent bombings at London. first heard the news in camp, and it really made me think about how pressing spreading His word is-life is so fragile- would i leave this earth regretting that i didn't share the gospel to my closest friends simply because i was lazy ? because of my selfishness?

God also spoke to me on another matter in the camp through devotional sharing on the last day in Corinthians 6:11-13 " We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange,- I speak as to my children-open wide your hearts also". Had been feeling spiritually dry the past days, and this verse spoke to me. made me reflect on how i have been so engrossed in what i was feeling by keeping it to myself. was encouraged by the sharing the previous night - where ming hui shared about how one can be surrounded by groups of people yet still feel alone. feel the same way sometimes as well, and this passage encourages me to open my heart to Him and to let Him take control. it's so easy to forget that we're not alone - that He's there.

so much more to share- but guess i'll just share the theme song for the camp which touched my heart. speaks volumes. Thank God for music and poetry!! =)

How can I stand before You Lord
When I am a sinner,
In need of your mercy
In need of your saving grace?
Draw me nearer to You,
In the warmth of Your embrace
Surrounded by your abounding love
I will be one with You again

Under the banner of Your love I'll stand
And I'm so humbled and amazed
That for me You sent your son to die
So now I'm saved just by Your grace
As Your amazing love compels my heart
Jesus this is what I pray
May I die to self, and live for You
Who died and rose again.

Now I can stand before Your Lord,
Though I am a sinner
You poured out your mercy
You poured out your saving grace
Now I can be near You
Feel the warmth of your embrace
Surrounded by Your abounding love
I am at one with You again

a food for thought on faith...

2005-07-02T10:54:00.000+08:00

"Faith is living a well-founded confidence in the grace of God, so perfectly certain that it will die a thousand times rather than surrender its conviction." - Martin Luther

quotes like these really challenge my faith in Him, especially in low times. I pray that I may be able to have that kind of faith regardless of the situations that i am /will be in. Praise the Lord for all He's done and for who He is! =)

Still

2005-07-01T22:58:00.000+08:00

today, i went out cause no one was in.

nevermind about what you just read. it's absurd. personal paradox.haa.

was planning to go for corporate prayer meeting today; in the end i didn't. ended up walking aimlessly around city hall and suntec. you know how when people remark about others like, " That girl/guy, she's in her own little world. Dunno what she's/he's thinking" ? i finally know what it feels like to be that person. caught up in my 'little world' while 'roaming' the so called 'world' out there. was literally dragging my feet along the aisles , walking so slowly that i think the people behind me were getting pretty frustrated. didn't really care anyway, just swantered around like i was the only one there; moved in and out of shops; boutiques. pretending i was shopping. pretending i was having fun. pretending i was fine.

was just somehow caught up with a lot of stuff which sort of culminated and seeped through today. didn't help that no one was available to go for the meeting today. yesh, i am anti-social. sigh. was hoping for some emotional support cause i was not feeling too right with God today. but nevermind. glad it's all better now. =)

perhaps what got me into that terrible mood was my friend commenting on how some of her friends have changed. she remarked that it was a pity that some friends whom she was very close to in secondary school are sort of 'gone' now. no more catching up about each other's lives, no longer the emotional closeness and bond they once shared. she then mentioned another friend, and wondered if her friend remembered the past major quarrel in secondary school and if the person had held that grudge, and therefore lost contact.

while she was talking, i thought about the friendships i had forged in secondary school, jc and even till this point of time. what she said was all too familiar. i remember the time in primary school when i would have new ' best friends' every year and then i got so disillusioned with the idea of 'best friends' that i never felt at ease with terming a close friend that any longer. cause when someone was my 'best friend' , i became selfish, demanding. i would want my friend to be always with me ; and when she couldn't , i would feel alone and hurt. the worst thing was, i would take my friend for granted. and when i felt closer to another friend at another point of time, i would have another' best friend'. kind of defeats the purpose of the term " best" .

in secondary school, things changed. think i closed up a lot. ironic when most people open up to new stuff. unfamiliar faces. but i did make a few great friends, who are still great friends of mine today. thank God for them! unfortunately, never did escape the vicious cycle of losing some friends and finding new ones.

if i had a choice, i would want to keep all the friendships i made. but i can't. cause people change, myself included. i've gone through many periods when i would just question myself and asking what was wrong with me that caused my friendships to fade off. feel frustrated for not having answers yet not having the courage to just pick up the phone to talk to an old friend.

that said and done, i profess that i am still struggling with it- which explains much of my melancholy for most part of today. cause when you've experienced a certain bond and closeness with a friend, and yet lose that promixity in friendship in a flash of perhaps only 1, 2 months or even only a few weeks , it hurts. cause you know that something is different ,though u can't quite put your finger on it. it makes you question what happened. makes you trace back and experience a rollercoaster of emotions.

i can't let it go , not totally at least. how can one let go of a friendship that easily? or perhaps it was an expectation that wasn't met that made me upset. what??

i couldn't figure it out. felt really drained in a way. felt tired from the excuses for the things i do sometimes. the procrastination, the tiredness, the lack of time.

been stressed over stuff for ifg . i'm a terrible secretary. = (

holidays are ending. still i feel directionless.

Yet, in spite of all my insecurities and questioning, He was there. felt Him reminding me, " Be still for I am God" and immediately everything seemed not that complicated anymore. how many times must i be reminded that it's not about me? How many times must i remind myself that He is the centre of my life; the heart of worship?

Lord, help me.

Teach me, O LORD to follow your decrees;
that I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding, and I will keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
Turn my heart toward your statutes,
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
Take away the disgrace i dread,
for your laws are good.
How I long for your precepts!
Preserve my life in your righteousness.
Psalm 119: 33-40.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar;

I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are king over the flood

I will be still, know you are God.

tagged!!

2005-06-26T22:49:00.000+08:00

haha, yes, i've been tagged by my dear friend. woohoo! finally getting to doing something productive =P . ( minus the minutes that i've postponed for like 2-3 weeks..hmm..that's another story for another time. ) in the meanwhile, i shall immerse myself in nostalgia. mmm..the sweet fragrance of childhood. lolz. getting crazy, i am.

lemme see, 5 things that i miss about my childhood...

* ps. by the way, what defines childhood? i feel like such a kid sometimes. ( yes, even though i constantly whine about being old. )

anywayz, shall get started, lest we get all philosophical ( or when i start revealing what i don't know instead of what i think i do.) what am i saying.

1. missed being moved up to the next standard in school in whole classes. ( ie. the same class moves with you in primary one and two etc) making friends wasn't that much of an issue then. everyone knew each other, and there was no hassle of making friends all over again every year. ( or for that matter, every semester- which is about 3 months long). friendships made lasted much longer and were ' stronger' in a sense. i mean, how many of us can honestly say that we've made a totally 'best friend' and close one in uni? it's not impossible i guess, but nevertheless, the experiences shared with friends in our 'days of yore' were definitely different from what they are of today in an academic institution.while we were young, we bonded over recess breaks, playing hopscotch, exchanging stickers- ah, the simple pleasures. today, almost a decade later, bonding through a common phase of academic suffering seems to be the only reason that brings people together. ( or at least initially). perhaps i'm just lazy and highly antisocial, but oh well. feel that the simple things which formed friendships while we were kids are just things that will never returm. i mean, we can't forgo all our experiences that we've gone through all these years, cause they've made us who we are. yet, the innocence, sadly, can never be brought back. sigh, a double-edged thing aging is. haha.

2. missed the " very good" or " excellent" remarks made by teachers in school; and the little nuggets of wisdom and encouragement when they would make us write journals.
somehow lecturers tend to forget that everyone craves a little 'praise'. haa. ok, i mean , i would be happy to get an 'A' for something, who wouldn't? maybe it's the extra effort made to actually write stuff on your paper. sometimes one gets marked scripts back with a few ticks and finally, a grade or a score. sometimes its nice to know that your teacher cares for you ( or at least appears to) hm..i realize i am sounding like a person with a hopelessly low level of self esteem. opps.
oh yea. the journals. really missed being able to just voice out my thoughts and get replies from someone in writing. thought it was pretty cool. still think it is. anyone wants to comment? haa

3. missed being ignorant about stuff around me and getting away with it. says alot of how much i actually know yar? =P must I really know more as i age? it gets depressing. haa.

4. miss my music teacher i had till sec 3. she's the only one who made music enjoyable; one who was extra patient. miss playing all those classical pieces too. fingers getting fat and stiff now. sigh.

5. sorta miss the wind blowing in my face while taking the SBS buses. most of them were non-conditioned then. ( not that i don't appreciate cool air =P) but , you know.
this is another point actually , but quite a major one i think. I miss not having to bother about what i'm wearing before i go out. just grab the t-shirt and shorts on the top of my folded stack of clothes and sling a bag over my shoulders, and i'm done! ( regardless of wherever i would be gg). who cared about looking o-biang with shorts and long socks or anything like that? we were kids. oh yea. no money woes too! haa.

Most of all, missed the big and cheesy smile i used to make in front of the camera. don't think i can do that now. thought i looked pretty cute. ahem. haaa. just kidding.

yupz, that's all. think i've written like a gazillion stuff in there! but no worries, the next 2 i tag can just stick to 5! =)

The rules: remove the #1 item from the following list, bump everyone up one place and add your blog's name to the #5 slot, like this:

we're all mascochists
everyone worship princess ange
party up
delarium
His love changes me

Then pass the meme on to.. karen and mandy! =)

Who am I

2005-06-23T12:15:00.000+08:00

Who am I that the Lord of all the earth
Should care to know my name
Should care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning star,
Should choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

*I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapour in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Should look on me with love
And watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calms the sea
Should call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

It's not about me. It's all about You, Lord.

a lesson on love

2005-06-21T23:27:00.000+08:00

Before i start,a great song which milton recommended me to.really nice!! it's called " indescripable" The chorus just reminds me His sovereignty once again. was really touched when i heard it.

You're indescripable, uncontainable

You who put the stars in their place

And called them out by name

And I stand in awe of You.

yea, anyway, had a lesson on love today. " Choosing the right partner" haa. yea. was pretty interesting to hear joe share his experiences of his "love life" i o n s ago. =P have been thinking about this issue for a while now as well, so i felt that this was a good time to have a ' refresher' course about BGR. Yupz, even at my age. =x

just brought back memories of the past; and was reminded of the categories i placed my " dream guy" into back in secondary school. remember that Miss Lim asked us to list a set of qualities that we would want in our bf/gf in the future during civics and moral education. it seems pretty funny now come to think of it- cause everytime when people would ask me to do that , the qualities i chose would always be that of "the one" that i had a crush on at that point of time. ( even though i would desperately attempt to be as objective as possible, and would bashfully deny any claims of having a crush). ah, the good old days. simple, sweet,innocent fun.

anyway, just for the record ( for posterity's sake) i'll just list down the things i wrote ( as accurately as possible ) ..

1. must be intellectual

2. can make me laugh

3. gentlemently

4. must be taller than me ( if not, same height also can)

5. must be older than me ( by days also can)

physical features

*** nice eyes!!!

it's really quite humourous, don't you think?

Today, almost 6 years later, most of the qualities that i was looking for are probably still going to stay, but i can say most certainly that these three; must be more spiritually mature than me 2. we must share the same passions/ interests ( at least in some way) 3. family oriented are definitely going to be added to my list and placed in the top 3 positions!! haa.

Took me a while to get no 1 right though. bleargh. really.

Think the most important reminder that I've gotten from this session today was to place God first place in my life; whiter in my relationships, my work- even the seemingly mundane things. Yupz.

Hmm... still waiting for " the one" who will sweep me off my feet. someone who can bring a smile to my face. i think i might be ready. am I? haa.

L O V E

never knew

2005-06-21T10:35:00.000+08:00

never knew you felt that way. it was never quite our intention to make you feel the way you did. if anything, i wish i could wash the slate clean and start over;but i guess some things will never be the same again. if an apology; words taken back; feelings , judgements more restrained, whould it have been different? What can/could have been done ? perhaps you can tell me. cause i'm at my wits end and desperately wish i knew.

but i don't.

and it's driving me to the point of disillusionment.

don't want to go there.

cause i know we can do it through His grace.

Back to You

2005-06-20T23:54:00.000+08:00

“We Christians must simplify our lives or lose untold treasures on earth and in eternity. Modern civilization is so complex as to make the devotional life all but impossible. The need for solitude and quietness was never greater than it is today.”
— A. W. Tozer

So true. Have been dying for a break after 3 camps and 1 looong conference. Finally, there was time for me today to take a breather and talk to Him. Been a while since i really sat down and poured out my heart to Him. Been caught up in the hustle of " modern civilization". Hustling and moving along with the crowd. Worshipping, listening to sermons, corporate prayer, games, conversations-all well and good; but after a while i just felt really drained. felt restless. felt spiritually dry.

Was thankful for sunday's sermon and time of praise and worship. Felt the Lord's call for me to surrender loud and strong through pastor kow. The Holy Communion couldn't be at a better time as well. A time of renewal of my commitments to Him. God was there. Felt really comforted as He assured me that His plans would always be for the best for me even though i'm thoroughly confused about different matters at the moment and lost as to what cause of action i should take; or whether i should do anything about them at all.

Today marks a fresh commitment to Him. I admit, I haven't exactly gotten things sorted out yet completely; but knowing that He's there just overrides all and makes it all better i guess. =)
Don't laugh..but i actually paralleled my mopping of the floor to the gradual cleansing of my heart with the Lord's help. Go you stubborn stain; yea..clean all of it up. Haha..ok..doesn't exactly sound right; but you get the idea. =P

Looking forward to another time devoted to You, You alone. No one else knows me like You do.

Unto You,

Be all glory and praise

How my heart seeks Your face,

As I'm waiting on You

Only You,

Are my strength and my tower,

Fill my life with Your power,

As I stand here in awe of You.

I stand here in awe of You.

THE ALTAR

2005-06-19T00:16:00.000+08:00

THE ALTAR

A broken A L T A R, Lord, thy servant rears,
Made of a heart, and cemented with tears:
Whose parts are as thy hand did frame;
No workman’s tools hath touched the same.
A H E A R T alone
Is such a stone,
As nothing but
Thy pow’r doth cut.
Wherefore each part
Of my hard heart
Meets in this frame,
To praise thy name.
That, if I chance to hold my peace,
These stones to praise thee may not cease.
O let thy blessed S A C R I F I C E be mine,
And sanctify this A L T A R to be thine.

- George Herbert, priest and poet, 1633.

surrender

2005-06-18T23:25:00.000+08:00

have you had the experience of talking to someone who appears to be listening to you but glancing distractedly at the things around? have you ever felt distanced whist walking along with your best friends? have you ever had the feeling that someone was witholding their dearest thoughts and feelings from you despite them telling you it was the 'whole truth'? I have.

And I think God must have been feeling this way about me these past few days.

Distracted. Disinterested. Delsusional. Depressed.

Pretty much describes me for the past two to three days.

Been feeling completely out of focus during worship at the conference. I wish I could say it was solely a result of my tiredness ( have had 13 hour days at the conference .bleargh) but i know there's much more to that.

The Lord knew my heart and showed just that when a friend from vcf prayed that i would surrender all to Him. the thing was; I hardly knew that girl. It really struck me for the rest of the day yesterday. Before I went to bed, I recalled how the Lord had used this method of telling me to surrender to Him as well in JC, when my cell group mate would just be prompted to pray for me on that similar issue.

Been thinking. Think i have an inkling of what's on my mind. what's keeping me from Him-but i'm afriad of what it may be. Thought i had gotten over that whole saga. Really don't want to go there again.

I'm afraid. yes, I think I'm afraid of surrendering to Him. I'm afraid of digging and rumaging the old baggages i thought i had left behind. I'm afraid to having to do things I've never done before. Afraid and Unsure, I am.

Happened to read through my notebook and stumbled upon one of my sporadically written entries in it last year. scribbled these few lines in it- thing i was trying to compose a song/poem off hand. spoke volumes of how i was feeling that day. think i'm reliving it today, almost a year later. funny how man keeps slipping away from God despite having the knowledge and understanding of His love and sovereignty.

O Lord, hear me now

Hear my cries

Be beside me

To cleanse me from within.

O Lord, hear me now

Be with me

Wash away my sin

You are my closest kin.

Surrender

That's what I wanna do

To be complete in You,

You alone.

Lord send revival, Start with me.

For I am born of unclean lips

For my eyes have seen the King,

Your glory I have glimpsed.

Send revival, Start with me.

Goforth + reuben Morgan concert..afterthoughts

2005-06-16T23:47:00.000+08:00

learnt so much today; can't think of where to start cause God just opened my eyes to His purposes; his work and most importantly, to His glory so abundantly. the day started with the goforth missions conference- and honestly, went there feeling a bit weary, dry spritually; unsure of what was going to be preached about missions. missions- i used to think i knew all about missions- what else? to spread God's word to the unreached lar + going to some part of the globe where few people have ventured + needs lots of commitment etc.

was just going on with the motion of taking notes till I heard something which I knew about missions, but had forgotten for a long time-- Missions is not about whether i want to serve Him, but rather it is a COMMISSION from Him. Missions is not about whether I can handle the potential challenges and persecution i might face in the field, but learning to COMMIT first and then leaving the rest to God's hands and trusting in his sovereignty. Missions is NOT ABOUT ME, but about HIM. a story about a Chinese woman who was intially skeptical about mission work in China, but in the end left her province immediately after prayer for the field of missions cause she felt God's calling so strongly struck me. Am i ready to give up everything to do God's work? Right here right now if He were to call me to accomplish his mission?

Felt God telling me throughout worship today to give up all my desires to Him. to just leave the 'water jar' at the well, to leave my burdens at his feet, to worship Him alone and not the distractions in my life. Can I? I need strength from you Lord.

The prayer session further showed me how fortunate i am to be able to worship Him so freely without persecution right here at home. As we prayed for the Mien, Lunis, Shan, Pulaungic people, was touched by how God was working in the countries and people despite the physical and spiritual barriers and strongholds.
Sometimes we tend to take our time spent wth God in Singapore for granted, myself included. We comment about how things are not turning the way we hope they are in church; worship, lack of membership etc. yet when u see the passion that those people have for God in the midst of persecution, one is able to simply appreciate and be contented with what we already possess- a sizable Christian community, no restriction of no of churches, bibles printed and sold freely, sound and strong leadership, little or no language barriers. so much to be thankful for-yet in this age of globalization and modernization, we tend to forget there are others out there not as fortunate as we are; and who are suffering for His glory. Are we getting too comfortable? It has been said that persecution creates purity in the church- perhaps we should experience some of that. haa. i wouldn't want to .but i pray that there will be revival in not only our local churches but also that of the region.

aniwaez, worship with reuben morgan was great! it was rare that the church actually invited a 'big shot' in a way like him to lead the church in a time of worship. was glad amy was touched by the Holy Spirit during worship. Praise God! was just reminded of His love for me throughout worship- and to give myself unreservedly to Him and His will. To be obedient so that He may grant me greater things. Not too sure what I want right now and what is hindering me from submitting my all to Him at this point of time.

Lord refresh my heart. Help me to know what your will is for me. I want to live for you alone. For your Glory.

Into your hand, I commit again.

All I am, for You, Lord.

You hold my world, in the palm of your hand.

And I am Yours forever, Jesus.

Jesus, I believe in You

Jesus, I belong to You.

You're the reason that I live,

The reason that I sing,

With all I am.

ramblings in the afternoon...

2005-06-15T16:16:00.000+08:00

gg for the goforth missions conference session by Dr Robert Solomon tonight. missions has never been the foremost pirority in my ministry so far..hopefully i'll be able to gain some insights into missions at the session later-will definitely help me in ifg committee starting next sem.

sighz. stuck between feeling drained and being bored over having nothing to do.

irony.

can't wait for the reuben morgan concert tomorrow though. =) i'm sure it'll be rejunivating.

He knows..

2005-06-15T00:32:00.000+08:00

went to music min retreat feeling a bit apprehensive the whole idea of fellowshiping and spending time together with the rest in the ministry. honestly, though i've been in the ministry for quite a while now, i guess i never really felt part of the 'team'; or minstry in that sense. as i reflected, i wonder if i would have done anything differently-maybe i should have 'been there' more with the rest of the band when they wanted to have dinners and stuff; maybe i should have just laughed along. i'm not sure, and honestly, i don't even know and can't be sure even today that if i had been just a little more pro-active in speaking to them things might have turned out differently. But i guess perhaps it doesn't really matter anymore. the need to feel accepted. the desire to feel loved. the moments of loneliness. alienated. alone. being some sort of an outcast.

When no one else seemed to have understood , He did.

I guess God had been preparing my heart to fill me with His presence since the beginning of the camp-only that I was too preoccupied with my own feelings, my thoughts-simply, myself , to actually notice it. Throughout the camp i was cooped up with feelings of self-pity, " Why can't I fit in? Why am I not able to join with their conversations? Why do i feel so out of place; so awkward?" Seems pathetic i know, but seriously, I think that was my main distraction for most part of the first day- and even for the first part of today. Didn't really voice out much during discussion, felt that whatever I was going to contribute wouldn't even matter to the rest anyway. Strove to answer as little as possible. Gave politically correct answers. Ha. Felt that I simply wasn't on that level of intimacy with the rest of the ministry to have been able to share openly like i would to , for instance, peche, or my closest friends. At the same time, feelings of indequacy seeped in subconciously as well. Sometimes out of the blue i would be wishing i could sing or play like 'so and so' , at other times i just felt like an airhead. seriously.

Those feelings of inadequacy, alienation and loneliness just culminated during the morning run. We were all running. I really couldn't keep up the pace. Voices behind me. speaking as if i wasn't really listening. can we speed up. we're getting really tired running so slowly. I tried to catch up- but it seemed endless. I didn't want to slow the team down. I wanted to scream," go ahead and take over me, I'm fine with it. let me be". The more i ran, the worse i felt. Near the end, the rest of the group sprinted towards the finishing line.i didn't . i jogged on the best i could. At that point i felt alone-even if it was only for a little while cause 2 of them came back for me and spurred me on to finish. Despite the kind intentions of the two, and even after the aim of the synchronized run was explained, I felt terrible.

couldn't understand why i was being so ungrateful. so unfeeling to the encouragement by the rest of the team. Perhaps during the run, burried feelings just surfaced. couldn't really share during the debrief. again, gave a supposedly 'nice' answer. well, i did honestly appreciate the encouragement to a certain extent, but part of me was just plain distracted. that feeling of inadequacy and alieness continued up till our final worship. prior to that i was just speaking to karen that perhaps i should just leave the ministry. i spoke of us being 'old' and not being able to adapt to the 'culture' of the younger ones. right. what was i saying? I knew there was more to it.

during worship, just felt God impressing upon me to let Him be in control in the words , " Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me". wanted so much at that moment to pour all to him. started to pray that He would change my heart and renew my passion of the ministry-not by my actions, but by His will . Not for acceptance, but to seek His face in the process of serving Him. Change me, Lord. Have your way in me. i kept repeating those words over.

caleb started a session of prayer. started thanking God for the fellowship. it's real funny but i started off praying something like " Lord, thank you the rest have bonded . and lord, if i am to leave , then i will". started to feel alone again. away from the main team; physically and emotionally. started tearing- out of sadness that i probably wouldn't be part of a ministry i had loved so much.not fitting in. But He changed that.

Minghui started reading psalm 139-my favourite psalm. I broke down. * note-flo doesn't usually break down/or tries not to during prayer/worship etc..haa =P. yea. just felt His presence surrounding me. When i felt alone, He reminded me of His love, his omnipresence. When i thought i was in control of the situation, he reminded me of His sovereignty and His greatness. I was overwhelmed. He taught me so much today about service.

He doesn't need my service. Am i serving Him or man? What was my purpose in serving? Why did i try to 'win' his love when it was already so freely and abundantly given? Why didn't I place my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in His hands before in this ministry?

Brought back quite a lot from the retreat-even though it was a mere 2 days. Got back a lot more than what i bargained for. Opened up my eyes ;my perspective of things. Cleared up what was bugging me these past few weeks. I'm thankful that He spoke to me today. Really am.

I'll never be the same again.

There must be more than this

Oh breath of God, come breathe within

There must be more than this

Spirit of God we wait for you

Fill us anew we pray

Consuming fire, fan into flame

A passion for your name

Spirit of God, fall in this place

Lord have your way

Lord have your way with us

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

Psalm 139: 7-10